She's Bringing Heaven to Earth

I try to avoid school buses. It's usually a much longer drive either to or from the gym if I get stuck behind that big yellow rectangle, that has the power to stop traffic going either way, for however long it takes for all the "tinies" to get situated and ready to go. There is this one particular spot where it takes so long, that cars usually start finding a new route to avoid the long wait. I am usually behind the long line of cars, that I never understand what takes SO long at this certain house.

Last week, I got the opportunity to be the first car stuck right behind the bus at the house that takes forever. I sat there thinking, "Ok, I have GOT to see what takes these kids so long everyday." A young girl about 12 years old comes out with a huge smile and just an arms length below her is a little boy in a wheel chair. I kept watching and started observing... After she brings out the first one (yes, the first one), she then runs inside and brings out another little tiny in a wheelchair, this time a little girl. Tiny handicap children. So here I am in my car, waiting, and watching these three kids.

Once I saw the second child be wheeled out, the entire scene changed for me. Not just one, but TWO! How unlucky....How sad for this family. Then I started to think what this family might be like. Man, that 12 year old girl pushing them to the bus looked so happy! Joy was radiating off her body, as she waved goodbye to her brother and sister her smile couldn't get any bigger. She didn't seem unlucky. She didn't look sad.

That day reminded me of a chapter in the book "Sex God" that really got me:

I have a new hero. Her name is Lil, and I would guess she’s in her late fifties.

I met her earlier this year when she introduced me to her daughter, whom she

was pushing in a wheelchair. Early in their marriage, Lil and her husband

decided that they would adopt two children. As they became familiar with the

family services system, they learned that there were kids in the system nobody

wanted. So they went to the local adoption agency and asked for the kids with

the most pronounced disabilities, the most traumatic histories, and the most

hopeless futures. They asked if they could have the kids nobody wanted. Over

the past thirty or so years, they have raised well over twenty children, raising

their biological children alongside their adopted children.

When Lil got to this point in her story, she reached down and patted her daugh-

ter and said, “This is Crystal. She’s twenty-seven years old but will be about

six months old developmentally for the rest of her life. She can’t talk or walk

or move or feed herself or do anything on her own. She will be like this, totally

dependent on us, until the day she dies. And I love her so much. My family and

I, we can’t imagine life without her. She makes everything so much better.”

What is Lil doing?

She’s bringing heaven to earth.

She gives us a glimpse into another realm. Into a better way. The way of God.

She and her family have taken kids who were discarded because of their per-

ceived lack of worth and said, “No, you are not to be rejected and turned away.

We are going to love you as an equal, as a human, as one of us.”

I don't know this family, I could be wrong about it all. But I'd like to think that joyful twelve year old girl and her family are bringing a little bit of Heaven to earth. At least, that is what I felt like I was witnessing.

you tell a boy one thing and they hear another. haha.

My mom has been looking for her sister since she was a girl. Two days ago, they were running towards each other with arms wide open and tears falling down their faces. What a beautiful thing this is. Family is special, and I am lucky I come from a home where my parents are together, and my sisters are my best friends. A piece of my mom has come and found her, and now she feels whole.

It's Your Life- Guys, this song gives me CHILLS!

This is the moment
It’s on the line
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle between
Wrong and right
But you know after all

(Chorus)
It’s your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It’s an open door
It’s your life

Are you who you always said you would be?
With a sinking feeling in your chest
Always waiting for someone else to fix you
Tell me when did you forget

(Chorus)

To live the way that you believe
This is your opportunity
To let your life be one that lights the way

How Much Hurt is it Going to Take For Me to See It?

Whitworth started a "Post-Secret" box. It is a box that sits in the main student building(like Kellogg Hall at WWU) next to a pile of white paper. You take a piece of paper, fill it out with a secret, and then anonymously put it into the box full of secrets. Every week the secrets are added to this big board of secrets that fill the hearts and minds of the student body.

I stopped by the board the other day, and read until my heart became heavy, and then I kept reading and reading until I knew the secrets of all the authors.

This was Friday, and I am still thinking and hurting over the things I read...

It is so easy to read/hear stories or watch movies with people who are hurting, and then when it hits close to home, everything about that hurt changes.

Here are some things I read:

"My great grandma, grandma, and mom were all raped by their fathers. My dad broke this tradition, but I still dislike him."

"I was raped."

"I pretend to be single and happy, but everyday I ask myself "What is wrong with me?""

"I feel so alone."

"I decided not to get an abortion. Give me your love not your judgment."

"I cut myself."

I always forget there are people hurting all around me. After I was done reading, I just wanted to hug all those who shared what was on their hearts and minds.

Everywhere we go, we are crossing paths with someone who feels alone. I wish I could be the friend or the comforter for those strangers that are hurting.

It is important to be aware of the hurt all around us, and to not forget how much we are needed in this crazy world.

Date God

When I decided to rededicate my life to God, I called myself a nun. My goal was to "Date God." I wear a bracelet around my wrist everyday that reminds me of the commitment I made to Him almost three years ago. Sometimes something we look at everyday is not a good enough reminder to keep us focused on the REAL things in life. I was looking through my documents and came across this...

I hereby declare that I am a nun

As a nun I promise to do the following:

1. Fill my thoughts only of God

2. Strive for God’s Will in my life

3. Surround myself only of the things that lift God up

4. Be an example

5. Make a difference

6. Love and be loved

7. Speak only uplifting words

8. Refuse to see people as anything less than human beings created by God

9. Choose positivity

10. Take each problem as an opportunity to see God.

11. Be Content

12. Always strive for a better relationship with God.

13. Be Humble

Sometimes I make myself laugh, and sometimes I realize how smart I was back in the day...Time for some refocusing.

Corey and Ian

Today, I hung out with two new friends of mine. They are AMAZING guys. We had one of those great convos, many like to call them "heart-to-hearts." That is what it felt like anyway...Like our hearts were all speaking to each other and connecting on a new level. New friends are great, but it is even better when you find those friends that just carry the image of God so well. Corey and Ian, thank you for making this world a better place!

Dream. Mission. Goal. Passion. Love. Help. Give.

I have been inspired more than once. Now, it is my turn to go and do something...

P.S. - I met these guys this weekend, and I think what they are doing is beautiful. If you are looking for a new winter hat, definitely check them out!

http://krochetkids.org/who-we-are/our-story/

sometimes when i have so much on my mind, it is hard to write it down. there are too many thoughts and emotions that i am having trouble organizing right now...there is nothing worse than not knowing how i feel about something...will i ever know? I wish I could just fit all my confusion into a box, organize it, and put it away forever.

We don't realize how much our parents do, until we are stuck shoveling our own driveway. Thanks mom and dad, for the little things you do.

She Couldn't See the Bread that was Being Broken

I came home early today in tears.

When I tried to get into the right hand lane right after I exited the freeway, I couldn't. And that is when the tears really came. Today I cried, for the first time, in a really really long time.

I didn't cry because I couldn't get in the right hand lane. I cried, because it hurt to look over my shoulder to be aggressive enough to get in the right line.

Three days ago I woke up and my neck hurt. Not just a kink in the neck hurt, but REALLY hurt. My neck pain has gotten progressively worse and is now affecting the pain in my shoulders as well. I can't look in my blind spot anymore when I want to switch lanes. My time in the car, is sometimes the best part of my day, and the only thing that I feel in the car is pain. Today, when I got to class, all I could think about was how much pain I was in...I looked across the room and saw a girl who was moving her neck back and forth and tilting it to the left as she listened to the teacher, and I envied her! I wanted my neck to be able to move back and forth.

I am on all kinds of good meds right now, that put me to asleep and woke me up with minimal pain, but I still know the pain is there. Now, all I can think about it, is the fact that most the pain is gone, and I fear for when it will come back again.

My pain is not only ruining my life right now, but running it.

I take advantage of my mobility.

My neck is restraining me from enjoyment, and it is driving me crazy.

In worship, I saw a girl in the choir singing with her dog next to her. She is blind. I thought to myself, "I can't believe she can't even see the person standing next to her, or the dog that takes her from place to place, or the bread that is being broken for communion." I just stared at her, knowing she couldn't stare back.

I take advantage of my ability to see and enjoy the art that God has painted before me.

I might be in pain today and the next day. But today, I can see and walk.

Today, I can be thankful for my abilities that I do not deserve.

This is Where the Real Growing Begins

I have been in a dorm since I was fourteen until this year. I grew up in a big family, where there were always at least 10 people at my house. I am a social person, and I never wanted to be alone or had to be alone.

This year is different. Not only am I in a new location, going to a new school, but I am living in a home, where most of the time I am alone. I used to thrive on people's presence, I AM a people person.

Presently, I'm different.

I have spent more time alone this year, then I ever have in my life.

My friends aren't a door away. There aren't girls lined up on either side of me. I don't share a bathroom. I don't pay for laundry. I don't have someone telling me when I can leave and what time I have to be back.

There are many moments where no one knows where I am or what I am doing.

I used to think I had to be around people all the time, because that is what I have been used to. I adapted to my surroundings, my friends, my family, my dorm, the church.

Now, I am learning to adapt to myself.

I watch myself, study myself, observe my mannerisms, listen to the words that come flowing out of my mouth.

I see the things that really make me smile. I am growing.

It is not always easy. Sometimes it is scary or confusing or sad or frustrating. But I think it is important to really dig and dig and dig and keep digging until it is just me. raw me. No friends to hide behind, no fears to hold me back, no boys to think about, no school to stress about.

Just me. And when it is just me, it really isn't JUST me.

It's God and me, and that is where the REAL growing begins.

Being overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness isn't going to get anyone anywhere....

Switch It UP

I am home alone for the next few days, so I decided to switch things up.

I went to the grocery store last night (which is a rare occasion) and I got myself some expensive cereal and bananas (those were just two of the many things I got). When I went to bed last night, I imagined my great breakfast for this morning. This might sound silly, but when you eat the same thing everyday, one can get excited for something new.

I took a bath for the first time in I don't even know how long this morning. I played an awesome pandora station with tons of classy music, Madeleine Peyroux, just in case you were wondering...I lit candles, and relaxed.

Now, I am in my bed eating my cereal, bananas, and almond milk. Listening to classy music.

If you are looking for a good time, switch things up!

I am relaxed.

I'll take a little relaxation, excitement, and joy any day.

I saw a boy waiting for the school bus with his head phones in...

He was dancing.

Dancing, like you are the only person around, is one of the best feelings in the world.

Perfect Song for a Perfect Moment

I listen to Positive Life Radio everyday. I love it, for the most part anyway. There is always a certain place where I just cringe at how "cheesy" things can get. You know what part I am talking about? Yes, the part where people call in and say how PLR has affected their lives. I don't like it when people seem so superficial or sappy about God.

I disappointed myself. I try so hard to do things so right sometimes, that eventually I realize how wrong things are going in my life.

Guilt haunts me.

Sometimes I feel empty.

Yesterday, I was in my car, and PLR played "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North, it REALLY was a perfect song for a perfect moment. Now, I understand why all those people call in to share their positive experiences with their radio show.

Because, when the perfect song comes on in the perfect moment, you want to share your joy with someone else!

By Your Side Lyrics

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)ing

Let me lift up your face

Jx)

Just Myself

I am home for fall break. This is the first time I have been home since school started, and I am alone. My family is scattered all over the place tonight, and it just leaves me, at home, by myself, swimming in my own thoughts. I really haven't felt this alone in a long time. No one to talk to, no homework to bury myself in, just me. Sometimes I am scared to be alone. Because to be alone, means that I can't run away from myself. I am faced with the things outside of homework, social life, and activities. I am faced to look deep into my heart and mind and to dig up the things that make my heart ache.

I sat in the hot tub tonight, and listened to the rain.... I closed my eyes and told myself to stop thinking. It's hard, try it sometime. I made my body relax. Once relaxed I listened to the rain fall, and the rain reminded me of India. Oh, yes, India. Once again, India. Today, I listened to a song that reminded me of my time in India. Today, I opened my cupboard and saw basmati rice, and it reminded me of India. Today, I ate macaroni and it reminded me of how my Indian father called macaroni "macoli." Today, my heart was heavy, and since I am alone, I am faced with myself. Myself misses India oh so dearly.

Silence

I am going going going. This week, all I did was GO. No stopping, no relaxing, no fun.

Now, my week is over, and I can finally stop.

This morning, I opened my door, getting ready to rush to my car to avoid the cold.

As I took my first few steps, I noticed it wasn't actually that cold.

No, it was pleasant.

I stopped.

Stood on my deck.

And looked out, really looked out. Since we moved, I haven't even noticed what a pretty area I live in.

The temperature was pleasing to warm body, it told me to stop, and see.

My mesmerized eyes told my body to relax, my relaxed body told me to breathe the fresh air that is freely given to me everyday.

My body and my eyes told me to listen.

Listen to the silence that God has given me.

Today, I was blessed by this short moment of stopping.

I get busy, we get busy, and even when we aren't busy we forget that it is OK to stop.

Listen to your body.

Listen to the silence we are blessed with.

"God blesses us, so that we may give."-Lead singer of Casting Crowns

I listened

My family is full of dominant, open, talkative people. I used to get extremely frustrated when we all spent time together. I had a short fuse, and with people just like me, it went fast.

Traveling in the car is usually the worst...We will argue about the most ridiculous things, and everyone has a different opinion on where to eat, who is coming with us, where we are going, what way is faster, who actually knows how to get to our destination. Everyone talking over each other. I have learned to tone it down quite a bit.

Most of the time I just tune everyone out, or we learn to laugh at each other. We are good at that. Yesterday, I tried something new... Instead of tuning my lovely parents out as I laid in bed, I just listened. There I was, trying to sleep, but of course not getting any.

I was first woken up by my mom screaming, "There is poop on my hand! Paul your cat got poop on me!" She starts knocking on the bathroom door where my dad is showering, "Paul! Paul!" He yells, "I'm in the shower I can't hear what you are saying!"

Mom: "Open up the door your cat pooped on me!"

Dad: "Ok, but I am going to get water everywhere!"

After my mom washed off the cat poop, I began to listen to the two of them communicate. It was precious....

Mom: "Paul, you just left your towel on the floor."

Dad: "Well, you made me get water all over the floor to open the door, so I had to put a towel on the floor to clean up all the water."

Mom: "You know, I am really starting to like football."

Dad: "Well just sit right next to me in all the games, and ask me as many questions as you like. I will make sure you know everything you want to know.

It is fun to just listen to these two rascals... I love them, and I know why they work so well together. They are precious, and they made me smile.

I see a lot of ugly everyday. I drive from one end of Spokane to the other, and I see it, everyday, on every side...ugly.
I pass by the same struggling, tattered, hurting people everyday. Sometimes I close my eyes as I drive by. Sometimes I stop. Sometimes I give. Everytime I hurt. Hurt for those who haven't been as lucky as me in this game of life.
I'm overwhelmed by the hurt of the world. All the sadness that I can't stop! I read blogs, hear stories, see and experience different worlds and I can't stop hurting and wishing that it would all go away. I want to do BIG things for Spokane. I have realized that it will be a long time until I can venture out into another country or culture and do BIG things for myself, others, and for God. It is hard to accept the fact that the people on the streets of Spokane need help too. As for now, I will do what I can for those in need around me. Because my home town is hurting too.

Kate sent this to me and I loved it... Good reminder!

The Knots Prayer:

Dear God,

Please untie the knots that are in my mind,my heart and my life.Remove the have nots,the can nots and the do nots that I have in my mind. Erase the will nots,may nots, and might nots that find a home in my heart. Release me from the could nots,would nots and should nots that obstruct my life. And most of all, dear God,I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart, and my life all of the am nots that I have allowed to hold me back,especially the thought that I am not good enough. Amen.

I miss. I just miss....

The worst part about missing someone, it just doesn't go away.

The missing never stops.

Some days, I wait for the day that I won't think, talk, or feel for India. The truth is, that day will never come.

I'll never stop missing it.

Missing someone isn't a choice, it isn't something I can just switch off, and it isn't something that is wrong.

I miss so deeply.

I miss Kara. When I can't talk to Kara, I feel like there is so much that I am keeping to myself.

Missing hurts, oh, it hurts...It is uncontrollable and that makes it so much worse.

Simple

My sister told my family this weekend that this was the best year of her life. That for once, she felt just happy from the inside out. I smiled when I heard her talking. My sister's happiness made me happy.

Today, I was writing in my journal and I felt so uninspired...So many great things are going on in my life, but my journal entry was so boring... I reread what I wrote:

"Life is great. School is great. My friends are great. My family is great. I love my new home. I am doing well in school."

-Just a lot of "goods" and "greats." My sister was right about life...

God is good.

Life is just.

simply.

good.

It's just that simple...

We finally moved into our new house in Spokane. I have my OWN room. After six years in a dorm, I have never been so ready to have my own space with my personality written all over it. Today, I hung pictures up across my head board, I love seeing the people that I love hanging in my room. Even though Whitworth is fun and wonderful, I do miss my amazing friends at Walla Walla.

Love people until they ask you why.

Religion

I am entering my 4th week at Whitworth University today, and the newness of everything is starting to fade away.

My first few days at Whitworth I felt like I was a senior in high school jumping into my first year of college. Not just any senior though, a UCA senior. I felt sheltered and conservative....Two things I have never felt before. I thought Whitworth was going to be the Walla Walla of Presbyterians (whatever that really means). And I was wrong...Here are the few things that crossed my mind over and over again:

"Boys and girls can be in the same dorm?"

"Boys and girls can be in the same room?! WHAT?"

"Um...girl, you need to put that cig out right now! Is anyone else seeing what I am seeing?"

"Dancing? All the time?"

"My teacher cusses a lot."

"Happy Sabbath! Oh wait..."

"Church on Sabbath this weekend or church on Sunday?"

"Nobody here believes what I believe...What do I even believe?"

I have been a little confused lately...At Walla Walla it was kinda just assumed everyone believed the same things, and everyone did the same things. It made it easy for me to decide where I stood or what I believed or did, because everyone around me was doing it.

I was shaped by my environment.

Now, I am in a different environment forcing myself to stand strong. I am trying to figure out where I am religiously, and although I never thought I would ever feel stuck in a place of Religion... I am.

Throwing Myself

I have always been afraid. I would say fear has stopped me from doing a lot of things over the course of my lifetime. My greatest fear is not being good enough. I don't think this an uncommon thought at all, most people I talk with have felt this way at least once.

But I think I have thought this way for too long.

The great thing about a new school year is a new start. Something FRESH!

This year I am doubling my newness with a new year and a new school.

I love Whitworth. It is such a great school, and I am completely enjoying my new life in Spokane.

This year I decided to place myself in the world of the fearless.

Fearless of being alone and trying new things. I went to wild walls by myself last week and I was super nervous and intimidated. I kinda just stood and stared at the routes for awhile, trying to figure how I was going to boulder without looking like a total amateur. Eventually, I just started climbing, then I started asking for help, then I started making friends, then I was improving. I love being fearless! I did something new and I was all by myself.

I am learning how much fun it can be to just throw myself around in this crazy world.

I drive 30 minutes to school everyday. Then at the end of my day I drive 30 minutes back home. Sometimes I leave home at 9 and sometimes I leave at 12. At 12 there is a lot of traffic, but yet I seem to usually only be about 5 minutes behind schedule.

I thought driving such a long distance everyday would be a pain, but I actually enjoy it.

I have time to pray, think, talk to myself, play my steering wheel, smile at strangers, sing at the top of my lungs, bob my head.

I recently discovered the bell keychain on my key ring sounds like a tiny tambourine when I hit it with my knee. Which if you think about it... a tiny tambourine would be so cute!

I have a new friend that recommends driving in silence and making my own music. I am gonna try it one of these days!

Awkward Moments and Saggy Bodies

I go to OZ Fitness everyday to work out. I usually run, lift, then hit the sauna and end in the pool. I am really into my time at the gym. It's my interrupted time to do whatever I want, think, and meet new people.

I happen to have some sort of story just about every time I am there.

I ALWAYS have awkward moments.

When I am in the sauna, I read. Well, I try...Most of the time it is me and one other person trying to avoid the awkwardness of what is supposed to be our "relaxing time." I try reading, but instead I always sit there thinking about the other person. "What is he like?" "What does she do during the day?" "I wonder how old he is and where he goes to college ;)?" "Come on Hillary, just break the silence. Ask them how they are doing!" Today, I sucked it up and started with "Whoo, it's hot in here." Haha that just sounds ridiculous....

Today, I ran into a teacher who came in and subbed for my Spanish class for a few weeks my junior year. She waved at me and started talking to me, but she thought I was Whitney (my younger sister). I told her I was Hillary, and then it was awkward. I was a little bummed a teacher of mine didn't recognize me, and she was embarrassed she thought I was Whitney. Yep, that's an awkward moment.

I have a huge spot in my heart for the elderly. Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays are my favorite days to go to the gym before 9, because I get to talk with the elderly ladies just as they finish water aerobics and are hitting the showers. As they prance around laughing about their saggy bodies, they always tell me how great I look or how cute my bathing suit is. Something about my suit really draws their attention, it is so weird. It's just a Target two piece that is two years old, but they LOVE it. These beautiful ladies bring a lot joy to my life. Today, I met Joe, she was hard at hearing with bright white hair. Joe was a cutie.

Hmmm.... Beautiful.

"What I have in God is greater than what I don't have in life."

Too Darn Cute

This is my grandpa.

He is literally cuter than babies and puppies.

Taylor

My childhood best friend was Taylor. We were crazy together.

ALWAYS laughing. With such a small selection of friends (growing up in a small town n' all) we just kept to ourselves. The other girls hated us for it, but we loved our "Tay and Hill world" that we leaped into everyday in the 7th and 8th grade. I would have to say, that junior high was close to the best years of my life.

Mostly, because of Taylor.

It is great to look back on times and really be able to feel what you used to feel.

I cherish memories like those. The ones that make you really FEEL.

It is hard not laugh. We were crazy! Always running around the cafeteria at lunch causing trouble. When we were in Miss Wick's 7th grade Social Studies class, we had to recite "Caesar's Eulogy" which was a PRETTY HARD THING TO LEARN. After many hours memorizing line after line, I got up in front of the class to get my A.

My A went faster than I thought. Having Taylor in the front row of my class did not help, we couldn't stop laughing. Eventually, Miss Wick made Taylor move to the back so I could finish. I started over and got my A! Phew! That Taylor... ;)

Now, Taylor is getting ready to walk down the aisle to marry the boy she has been in love with since she was 15. I was the first one to know when she first kissed a boy (her soon-to- be husband). I am proud to be a bridesmaid in a few short days! Taylor and I are going to rock that dance floor!

Whitworth, here I come! I am pretty excited. I have peace, and it feels good.

Waiting, Almost Impatiently

I LOVE to travel. If there was another word that could explain my passion for seeing the world, I would use it. Obsessed? In LOVE? Whatever best explains this deep desire flowing through my veins, that's it. That's the word.

Most people I know feel the same way about traveling. I mean who doesn't love to travel? It's the greatest feeling being placed in a foreign environment where you learn new things, see and experience a whole new way of life, and most of all.... Meet people that change your life. Forever.

I made a decision to go to France this year. To live in France! OOOH how wonderful does that sound? A dream? I think so!

Before I made the decision to go to France, I made the decision to go to Whitworth. Once I decided on France, Whitworth was out the window. That is how I work. I jump around like I have my head cut off until I feel pleased with my decisions. Sometimes I jump from one thing to the next, one emotion to the next, one decision to the next, hoping that one day I will get it all right. In hope that one day I will reach ultimate contentment. You can guess where that gets me...

No where near ultimate contentment.

In June I made the rash decision to go to France. I thought it sounded like the best idea yet! Traveling a whole 9 months! Learning another language! Learning more about life and myself! That is what I need most..To learn about life and myself.

When I was in India, the best part was that I knew what I was doing was so so so RIGHT. That where I was, was exactly where I should be. Where God wanted me to be.

Ever since I have been home, not having that feeling, makes me feel like I am running around with my head cut off.

I made the decision to go to France all by myself. I can't do life all by myself, and once I realized that, I realized it was time to pray.

I began to pray a couple of weeks ago to make sure that I was supposed to go to France. I was putting it off for so long, because I was afraid that I would get an answer I didn't want. Because deep down I knew that I was probably not supposed to go.

The first decision I made NOT all by myself was to go to India. BEST decision I have ever made or should I say we ( God and me)? That is where I learned that ultimate contentment does in fact, exist.

After I started praying for guidance and answers, I got my acceptance letter to Whitworth.

DECISIONS! I am terrible at decisions...Now, I am left with two great options. UGH!

When I decided to go to France, the thought of going away seemed so great. But, that is just it...I am going away. Going away from what? Fears, decisions, growing up? I'm not sure exactly which one. I'm starting to question why I even wanted to go in the first place. I am starting to seem a little selfish...

I can't just do things because they are fun, I wish I could but I just can't.

So now I am here, waiting for an answer. Scared, that I might make the wrong decision...So what is going to be Hillary, Whitworth or France?

All this thinking and praying, has left me in a place of stress and worry.

I watched this today and sincerely laughed. I just love this video. It made me feel better.

On Top

I went backpacking on Friday and Saturday.

Hiking at fast speeds up a mountain with a backpack on might not be the best feeling physically, but the moment I saw that special place where I could call home for next 24 hours, reminded me of why I put my body through this.

Ah yes.... The top.

The view. The air. The clear, fresh lake. The height. The nature.

The best part?...Knowing that at the bottom of the mountain are worries, deadlines, stresses, struggles, and work.

But right now, I am on the top. On the top enjoying God's gift to man. Leaving everything else behind.

Find Her Everyday

It was just 6 months ago when I was not just Hillary.

I was India Hillary.

Not a day goes by where the sweet moments of that captivating country don't occupy my mind.

I will always remember that special place.

I do not always remember India Hillary.

I want to find her everyday.

I want to remember her everyday.

When I am not India Hillary. I am not completely myself.

Not completely who I should be. Want to be.

Oh sweet India, how I do miss you. When we were so close, life seemed perfect. Thank you for taking me away from my reality to show me true reality.

As Long As

I don't care what I do, where I go, who I become, as long as it's right. As long as I know that exactly what I am doing, where I am, and who I am becoming is what God wants for me.

Whole

Jenny and I walk a hill everyday. Every time we get to the top I want to turn around, but she makes me keep going.

Whitney Kayaked miles with me today. She tipped over and laughed.

Alexis lets me borrow anything. She also took the picture of the dandelion. Pretty neat huh?

My sisters make me whole. Period.

Everyday I look at the sky, take a deep breath, and thank God for revealing himself to me through his majestic work of art. Blue, gray, cloudy, starry, dark, bright, clear. No matter what the sky is dressed in, I see God. I see God creating it. I see God enjoying it. The sky makes me smile. The sky gives me faith.

"Atheist."

"Agnostic."

"How can God let so many people suffer?"

- Words and phrases I have been hearing too often.

I am not sure what to think or feel, but I think about it a lot and I feel for those struggling. Hard questions and hard decisions. I wish there was something I could say or do that could make people confident and happy in what they believe. I wish I could answer the questions of those suffering. I don't know why it is so easy for me to have faith and others to not. Sometimes I wonder why I have faith and someone else doesn't? Unfair.

For me, it's as easy as the sky.

My mom is generous.

Embracing these Moments

I have set my summer goal. One, which I believe will bring many blessings. I am starting to realize my grandparents are getting older and older by the day, and there is nothing more satisfying to them than my presence and interest in their lives. I fear that this may be the last summer I might ever have with the both of them, so I want to embrace ever moment I can with those two inspirational and captivating people. I want to take advantage of the last moments I have with them by actually getting to REALLY know them. I have realized that I don’t know the great details of their life, but yet they know everything about mine. They are incredible people, who have done incredible things in their long lifetimes. I yearn to know grandma Virginia and about how smart she was growing up and what makes her passionate. I yearn to know my grandpa Blaine and his accomplishments, I want to spend hours talking with him staring into his crystal blue eyes. Each one of them is so different, but they make such a great fit! We are celebrating their 60^th anniversary in just a few days and I cannot believe they have been together for so long. They have developed a life together; I want to know everything about that life. So that is where I started…where their lives together began.

She grew up in Pateros, WA.

He was from Winthrop, WA (about a 45 minute drive).

They ended up at WSU.

She was in a sorority.

He was in a fraternity.

He had crystal blue eyes.

She had platinum blonde hair.

Their moms knew each other.

Her mom told her about him.

His mom told him about her.

She played cornet.

He played trombone.

He asked her out, she said no.

He said, “She was always going out on dates! I never could get a chance with her!” I laughed and asked how it finally happened, my grandpa told me “ I finally just decided to give up, we had never even met, our moms just wanted us to see if it could work, but she was always busy so I left it at that and knew that I didn’t have a chance.” I asked grandma how it finally ended up happening, she said, “Well, my friend kept telling me about this handsome trombone player that sat behind her with these crystal blue eyes and I eventually grew very interested. One day, we had a park day for the sophomores, and we were playing a game called 3-D and I saw his crystal blue eyes and knew it was the guy. I decided to run in front of him and introduce myself.” I started to smile when grandpa jumped in,” I had no idea who this platinum blonde little thing was, but she knew my name and I was fine with that. “ Eventually they started to get to know each other. My grandma told me that my grandpa took her out on her 21^st birthday (I was excited to hear this, because my grandparents are extremely conservative!). She said that my grandpa got her a drink called a “whiskey sour”; he said it was the only thing that tasted good with alcohol. My grandma made me laugh when she told me that after she drank it, a guy came up to her and asked her to dance and they both ended up falling over…She says that was the last time she drank. She did admit to spiking a drink at a sorority function they had, she just started to laugh. I don’t know if I have ever seen my grandma laugh before, it felt good to be laughing with her.

They eventually fell in love and got married June 18, 1949. She studied bacteria and public health and graduated as a bacteriologist. I was so surprised that I did not even know what my grandparents studied in school! He ended up graduating from U of A with a degree in agriculture engineering, to be honest I have never heard of either of those degrees, but that is what makes learning about them so interesting! I am learning, and at the same time experiencing the joy as they reminisce on their lives together. I am excited about this opportunity to sit and learn about the wisdom and history that comes from the people who have made my life possible.

B FREE

I have a desire to see the world.

Adventure is my calling.

I can listen to music all day.

Tennis is fun.

Quoting movie lines makes me laugh.

Longboarding makes me feel like I am flying.

I like to pull over on the side of the road and just listen, think, or admire.

The sky is extraordinary.

Mandolin is beautiful.

Being weird is entertaining.

I danced in a field the other day. I felt so... Unbelievably. FREE.

Really...All I need is God's love. It's just so great, how do I forget that?

God Gift

Endure. Endure. Endure!

I talked with Troy Fitzgerald (Youth Pastor at University Church) yesterday and these were the words that came out of his mouth.

"It is time to endure."

After seeing the world, my dreams and aspirations changed. A LOT! The last four months I have been asking myself the same question almost everyday.

Why am I here?

Why am I going to school? Traveling is my best teacher.

Why am I getting a degree? My dream job does not even involve a stinkin' degree.

What is really in store for me? If I don't even know, then I shouldn't be going to school to figure it out. I should figure it out then do something.

I was supposed to talk to Troy about my mission, and we moved from India to life in just an hour. I have a lot going through my head, a lot of good exciting things happening, and right now I am antsy. I feel like Troy was a gift from God yesterday, because he said the things I needed to hear.

I love it when that happens! When God speaks directly to me through the people around me. I am glad I caught it, because God works in mysterious ways.

Now, I am enduring. Because that's what we do. We ENDURE. We accomplish. And in the end we are better people because of it.

I have these problems in my life. These emotional ups and downs. Things that just downright stress me out.

Things that run my life.

Distractions.

Today, I saw a man crossing the street, in a wheelchair.

Suddenly, my so-called problems turned to dust.

I can walk. I can play.

As of now, there is nothing to worry about.

Life is a Gift. Live it.

Taking pictures warms my soul.
Playing with a friend makes me smile.
Reading the Bible in the park is lovely.
Thai food is yummy.
Laughing is warming.
Pink sunsets are breath-taking.
Pictures, playing, laughing, eating, enjoying....
Living.

I Never Thought

I never thought I go could to the public school in the 7th grade and know where I was going.
I never thought I would ever be able to drive.
I never thought I would kiss a boy.
I never thought I would go to UCA.
I never thought I could actually get through high school.
I never thought I would do gymnastics.
I never thought I would travel.
I never thought I would turn eighteen.
I never thought I could get my wisdom teeth pulled.
I never thought I could make it through my first year of college.
I never thought I could actually get through that stressful week.
I never thought I would go to India.
I never thought I would have a guy in my life too amazing for words.
I never thought....

Every time I thought I couldn't or wouldn't... I did.

Love

I went to Spokane for the night to visit my sister. Her boyfriend of 2 years broke up with her and it hurts me to see her hurt.

Love is so messy and complicated.
Not one person can tell another I will love you forever, and really know in the end that they WILL love that person FOREVER.
When people give their hearts away, it is a HUGE deal. By giving your heart away, you are saying, "here take all of me, to love me forever and ever, or to break my heart into a million pieces.

Love is two extremes. Love is unexpected.

I feel for those who hurt. Loss is hard.

Today I realized that I am so lucky to have a God that I can completely give my heart and no matter what he will never break it into a tiny little pieces. I hope my sister finds that out for herself, because it makes loving so much easier to know that no matter who comes and goes I have someone who loves me unconditionally, forever.

Accomplishment

I am not the best student.
I have always considered myself the "average" student.
Whether this is true or not, this is what I have told myself for a long time.

Monday, I felt different.

Gary Wiss is my Research Writing teacher, and anyone who knows who he is, knows that he is tough. He asks a lot from his students. It was pretty apparent that Gary's class would be a lot of work when I received his 40 page syllabus the first day of the quarter.

It has been assignment after assignment after assignment in his class. I am proud to say I have not missed ONE of his class periods.

Now, it is the end of the quarter and all my assignments have been handed in, and I am now in the process of editing my final research paper.

It feels good to be almost finished, but that isn't even the best part....

As I sat in class on Monday, I noticed I was one of the few still enrolled in the class, or at least still attending the class. I felt proud to be one of those students!

I truly feel like an all around better student because of Gary's class, he gives me the feeling of accomplishment. For once, I don't feel like just an "average" student anymore.

Home

I was home last weekend. The weekend was perfect.
I am going home this weekend. So many good things are waiting for me there.
Home is precious.

Keeping Up

It is winding down to the end of the quarter and I feel like I am hitting "FREAK OUT mode." You know how there are those dumb assignments teachers give us that aren't due until the end of the quarter? Well, I am one of those people who puts those assignments off until the end of the quarter. Why even give it to me now? Duh, I am not going to do it until the last minute... Sometimes I wish I was different, but then I remember how much fun I have when everyone else is keeping up with their homework!

Eye-Opening. Beautiful. Sad. Inspirational. The Things We Could Do...

Lately

Lately...India has been on my mind. I love that it makes me smile. When I talk about India, think about India, dream about India... something inside of me comes ALIVE!

This is what a good friend of mine from India said to me today:We love you not because of you are white but because we all are related through the blood of Christ.

It made me smile.

Bliss

I was tired today.

I looked homeless today. (No, seriously...Holes in my clothes. No shower. NOT so cute)

Today, I did terrible on a quiz and received a less than impressive test score.

Today, was just a day.

Some days I detach myself from India, because it hurts too much to think about.

Today I was so attached, I could barely lay down. I wanted to just go.

I am ready to go back. Oh, if I had the money I would be there, not a doubt in my mind.

I picture myself walking the roads, riding the rickshaws, sweating, careless, smiling, laughing at things that don't make sense, hugging my baby brother, laughing with amma, and swinging with my kids.

Today I pictured myself in complete and utter bliss.

The Fire of Your Heart- Max Lucado

My God, I want to do what You want. Your teachings are in my heart. Psalm 40:8

Want to know God’s will for your life? Then answer this question: What ignites your heart?

Forgotten orphans? Untouched nations? The inner city? The outer limits?

Heed the fire within!

Do you have a passion to sing? Then sing! Are you stirred to manage? Then manage!

Do you ache for the ill? Then treat them! Do you hurt for the lost? Then teach them!

As a young man I felt the call to preach. Unsure if I was correct in my reading of God’s will for me, I sought the counsel of a minister I admired. His counsel still rings true. “Don’t preach,” he said, “unless you have to.”

As I pondered his words I found my answer: “I have to. If I don’t, the fire will consume me.”

What is the fire that consumes you?