Monday, January 17, 2011

There is so much I want to do that I haven't been doing, and it really makes me question how much I really want to do anything these days.

I think the first step is learning how to REALLY want something.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Can I forget?

One of the worst moments of my life was the day my hands slipped away from my Indian family's as I drifted away from the place I knew as my home for months. Leaving so suddenly gave me absolutely no time to prepare myself to leave India or to come home and face what life I had put on pause. I don't like to think about leaving, how I left, and why I left.

Today, I relived some of these moments. Why today? Why any day? I don't know...I've put it so far behind me that eventually it had to catch up. Today, I didn't go back to the day I left, I went to the few days after I left. The days where I was no longer in India, and yet my heart was still there. My passion. My desire. My most unique and cherished relationships. The everyday laughter. The unlimited time with my best friend. Most of these things have traveled across the world and found their way back to me, except one.

I can't bring my most unique and cherished relationships home with me.

My tears have eventually ceased. Although my heart still misses, I try to forget that I left them. Silly I know...How can I forget?

I left without preparation. I came home unready and unexpectedly, and I have fought it for almost a year now. A year...WOW!

Here it goes, I'm allowing myself to not forget. I'm allowing myself to hurt and feel those feelings I've buried. It's interesting how fake I can be with myself, how unreal, how dishonest...

A whole year...

I tried to picture Deva Sutya's face today when he came back from the holiday to hear I was gone. I imagined Princess, Nyomi, Teja, and Marybai rynning to our door to tell us how much they missed us...Oh, their faces...Seeing those beautiful smiles fall away. Just knowing the feeling that they probably felt... The emotion, the hurt, the confusion. I bet I have a good idea how they felt, because I felt the same way.

For so long these angelic relationships and people were new to me. We had absolutely nothing in common. Now, almost a year after I left India my relationships have grown stronger. Most I have not even spoken with at all, but I know our relationships are no longer new, and now we do have something in common. We simply miss each other.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

We really just don't know how good we have it, until we are in a crowded room full of people who have nothing. My world has once again been rocked, and I want to change all over again.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Dancing Gives Me a Sense of Freedom

I can't wait until spring. Then, yes then, I can dance in a green field.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I never see the money that goes into my schooling. I know how EXPENSIVE college is and even how EXPENSIVE UCA was, but I never see the money. My parents have gone through a lot to get my sisters and me where we are. We have a pretty cushion life when it comes to education...Yah, I have taken out loans for college, but not that much compared to most...and who doesn't take out loans these days anyway?

My mom handed me a check for my schooling the other day. It wasn't anything new, she just laid it on the counter and said "Don't forget to take this to school tomorrow!" I looked at it, and put it away. Until a couple days ago, checks and cards were so unrealistic to me. They are things made of paper and plastic that take money away without you even seeing it. On Monday, I went to the accounting office opened the check, saw the large amount (like always, bleh...) and gave it to the student accounting lady to deposit into my account. This time it wasn't so easy. Something about that check, made me painfully guilty. Here I am taking my parents money. Not just 10 bucks but 1,000s of dollars! I am here living in this nice house, going to a beautiful school, and I don't even see the hard work and time put into that piece of paper I just deposited into my school account.

I don't know if I have ever thanked my parents once for my education. They are so hard-working, motivated, and generous! If you know my mom...She is as generous as generous gets.

Parents do a lot for nothing in return. I just don't know how they do it. I am scared to grow up, because I don't think I will ever be able to do what they do.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Be Mesmerized!

I am in love with a sunny, snowy winter day. The sky and everything about it makes this world beautiful. Not even google images can capture the essence of its beauty. Look outside, breathe deep, and be mesmerized!