Thursday, November 18, 2010

She Couldn't See the Bread that was Being Broken

I came home early today in tears.

When I tried to get into the right hand lane right after I exited the freeway, I couldn't. And that is when the tears really came. Today I cried, for the first time, in a really really long time.

I didn't cry because I couldn't get in the right hand lane. I cried, because it hurt to look over my shoulder to be aggressive enough to get in the right line.

Three days ago I woke up and my neck hurt. Not just a kink in the neck hurt, but REALLY hurt. My neck pain has gotten progressively worse and is now affecting the pain in my shoulders as well. I can't look in my blind spot anymore when I want to switch lanes. My time in the car, is sometimes the best part of my day, and the only thing that I feel in the car is pain. Today, when I got to class, all I could think about was how much pain I was in...I looked across the room and saw a girl who was moving her neck back and forth and tilting it to the left as she listened to the teacher, and I envied her! I wanted my neck to be able to move back and forth.

I am on all kinds of good meds right now, that put me to asleep and woke me up with minimal pain, but I still know the pain is there. Now, all I can think about it, is the fact that most the pain is gone, and I fear for when it will come back again.

My pain is not only ruining my life right now, but running it.

I take advantage of my mobility.

My neck is restraining me from enjoyment, and it is driving me crazy.

In worship, I saw a girl in the choir singing with her dog next to her. She is blind. I thought to myself, "I can't believe she can't even see the person standing next to her, or the dog that takes her from place to place, or the bread that is being broken for communion." I just stared at her, knowing she couldn't stare back.

I take advantage of my ability to see and enjoy the art that God has painted before me.

I might be in pain today and the next day. But today, I can see and walk.

Today, I can be thankful for my abilities that I do not deserve.