Christmas

This guy makes me smile... ( I think I make him smile too)

Maxx (We like to call him maxi pad)

Christmas decor in the living room

Alexis driving me around!

I got home the 22nd and surprised my family. I had two full days at home, and while I was there I really started to feel the holiday bug creep up on me. I was really sad when Christmas break started and I had to work and stay in an empty house. Christmas is my favorite time of the year, and I felt as though it was passing by me so fast, that I couldn't grab ahold of any memory-making, holiday moments.

It is the famous tradition of our home to ask for money for Christmas, skip the presents, head to Seattle, and shop till we drop.

I wanted to save my money, so Seattle for a day (because I had to return back to work) did not seem like that much fun this year... I was going to skip out on the tradition this year, but found out my unexpected Christmas present was arriving in Seattle on Christmas Eve.

My mom bought Drew a ticket to come spend Christmas with me. If anyone has ever done long distance, I praise you! It is difficult and pretty depressing...But spending this Christmas with Drew was the best gift I could have ever received. It's hard being away from the people I love, especially during the holidays.

But having Drew and my family in one room, sharing smiles back and forth, was the most beautiful place I could have ever been. I am a lucky girl. I have some amazing people in my life, and this not so Christmas break ended up being better than I could have imagined. It might not be a full three weeks of relaxing and having fun, but I got two really special days that make this year come to a blessed end.

our form of entertainment

Home Finally!

Working in retail really makes vacations short and lonely. I am tired of being in school or working all the time and am ready to be home! I got a short little vacation with Drew and his family and I miss them already! Drew, you are the greatest and I miss you tons! Thanks for always putting a smile on my face.

I got home this morning and am totally stoked! I have already hot tubbed with my big sis, watched a movie with my little sis, and have been laughing tons. Check out these funny photos and vid. Alexis and I have too much fun on my mom's new mac desktop.

there are so many reasons to dance today

This song is so stinkin fun.

I have too many clothes. I want more everyday.

I buy expensive things sometimes.

I have more than I need.

I complain about being poor, when in reality, I don't know what it means to be poor.

Here is what it means to be poor:

80% of the world live off $10/day or less.

20% of the world (1.5 billion people) live off $1.25/day

22,000 children die each day due to poverty

1.4 million children die each year because they lack clean water and sanitation.

Consumption of Resources:

The richest 20% of the world consume more than 80% of the world's resources

The next 60% consume about 18% of the world's resources

The poorest 20% consume about 2%.

Costs:

For basic education for everyone- 6 billion dollars

Safe water and sanitation for everyone- 9 billion dollars

Reproductive health for all women- 12 billion dollars

Basic nutrition and health for everyone- 13 billion dollars

Total cost= approx. 40 billion dollars

It would cost 40 billion dollars to solve the world's greatest problems and yet...

61.6 billion dollars is spent on US diets

69 billion dollars is spent on TV ads

148 billion dollars is pent on fast food

This overwhelms me.

Go To Song

I once read that you should have a few "go to" songs for specific times in life.

A song that you have in times of sadness or stress is a complete necessity for me.

I love dancing like a crazy person and singing out of tune. Music is a glorious gift.

I have been falling in love with the Jackson 5 recently.

No, I AM in love with the Jackson 5. I like listening to new music that has no memories attached to it. New music does not evoke emotion, it brings new emotion to a new moment in time.

So as I read about these so called "go to" songs, I instantly realized that "I'm Coming Out" by the Supremes, and "Respect" just really get to me, and stir up all kinds of fun, exciting emotions- that leave me dancing and singing all over the place.

Along with that, the Jackson 5 are my new pandora station, and it only brings about my "go to" songs.

PS- I am sitting in Pleasant Blends with Makayla and Whitney drinking a pumpkin chai. Whoowee life is good.

You Are Here

There is a Buddhist meditation center in southern France called Plum Village. At least once a year in plum village, every monk kneels down before his brothers and sisters there and asks them to shine light on him- meaning to tell him how they see him.

Whoa...That is a pretty grand leap I'd say...How scary. How humbling.

After learning about this practice, I began thinking how much I wanted to do it. I think I will start with my sister and then move on to my roommates. It seems harsh but oh so necessary.

From the point of realization, I should learn how to be a better me. I will know what I need to work on, and what I am really good at. I think everyone could learn a lot from just asking someone to describe their strengths and weaknesses.

I really do want to be a better me.

If you haven't heard of Holy Yoga, you should try it- It will change your life.

"I am Breathing In, I am Breathing Out"

I have been reading an interesting book written by a Buddhist, and it's really got me thinking. It's all about living in the present. I really struggle with this concept.

I look too far into the future, even if the future is just a few days ahead.

So, I am practicing the awareness of the present, and really tuning in to how my body feels and its reaction to the world around me.

Just reminding myself that I am breathing, forces me to focus on a simple but essential part of my being.

It's riveting.

Rest. Drink some tea. Breathe. Listen.

Love: Jumping High Fives, Fall, and Makayla Hamilton

Makin' Memories in the Sisterhood

The closeness that I share with one of my roommates AnnAlise could come across weird and sometimes disturbing to some people. We laugh as much as we should and happen to be the only two girls (out of 6) in the house who don't mind running around with limited clothes on. One of the best parts of my day is when Ann and I go work our butts off at the gym, steam, sauna, talk with our feet in the pool, and then come home and hit the showers. We turn on the most gangster stuff we can find or Justin Bieber. It usually is JBiebs, but Ann is getting tired of him! How that happens? I have no idea...

YEESSSSSSSSS!!!!

I was sitting with a few of my friends in the cafe today. It was two of my favorite guys in the world (Danny and Dillon) and one of my soul sisters (Makayla). Makayla and I are crazy together. We have developed weird habits and sayings that make a lot of eyebrows raise and just make us look ridiculous.

Our most common and odd behavior, is when we are excited about something we throw our fist in the air, flex our arm, squeeze as hard as we can until our veins are popping out of our neck, and with our teeth clenched, scream "yeesssssssssssssss!!"

It gets me every time.

These odd behaviors make me happy. Makayla was home this last week, and a part of me was missing without our fist-making behavior.

That behavior makes me happy.

That single, simple thing makes me giggle every time.

Jeez...It really is the little things huh?

Dillon asked me today, "How are you just so happy all the time?"

Well Dill, it's the little things. :)

Dear Grandpa

Grandpa,

Happy birthday! Today you are consuming my thoughts. I miss you. I never stop missing you. Mom, dad, and grandma are all going to visit you today and since I can't, I wanted to write you a letter.

I had two tests today. I wanted to do so well, because you had this faith in me to succeed that I never have in myself. So that is my gift to you today, my success.

I think about the person you were everyday- all your accomplishments and your tender heart...Since you left, I haven't been able to wrap my mind around the man that you became! Such a man of God. A pure heart. A ear to always listen. A chuckle to always laugh with.

Lately, I have really begun to notice the man that my dad is as well. I love my dad, thank you for him. Thank you for passing on the traits that I admire so much in you onto him. You raised a father that couldn't be more perfect for me, couldn't be more perfect for your home and your family.

You would be proud of dad. Something about him lately, is just so full of spirit. When you left, I never thought another YOU could exist, but I think my dad is well on his way. I hope one day I will have another YOU in my life for my own family.

Grandma is doing well, she stays busy and of course always stoic. You leaving, gave me time to get to know her and you even better. I have learned to look for those great qualities in her as well. She prays for me everyday just like she did with you. She prayed with me today, and I know God hears her prayers. Her loyalty to Him is unreal.

We were blessed with amazing people in our lives grandpa! I miss you. I am going to try to be better everyday.

Love,

Hillary

Here is your favorite song:

Jumping Out of the Box

I am a psychology major. It took me a long time to get to this point, but now that I am here, I feel pretty confident in my (hopefully) final choice of a degree. It is fun having a main focus in school now! My classes are becoming more alike and I have pretty much weaved through all the classes that have me thinking, "Why am I here?" all semester long. The interesting but almost scary thing about it all, is that I find myself consistently thinking in ways that involve A LOT more out-of-the-box thinking.

I am basically taking psychology and philosphy based classes right now. Can you imagine how much thinking goes through my head in one day?! LOTS. I sit in one class where I am learning to question everything I believe (don't worry, it isn't a class designed to change my beliefs), and then I sit in another where I learn that optimism is a pretty naive way to look at life.

But I love optimism!

I guess this is what growing up feels like. Where we start to learn that learning involves so much more than math, science, and english. Learning is so much more than knowing how to draw the structure of an organic compound or writing a paper on the most influential person in my life. No, learning isn't black and white. Learning well isn't about getting that A I wanted on my test.

Learning is scary and uncomfortable.

But I love this uncomfortable state of contemplating life's great mysteries and questions.

As an example often used in classes similar these, the questions, "When does one become an adult? When did you know you were woman? What classifies one as an adult?" always happen to come up. I think that I would say that I am finally starting to find myself becoming more of woman.

A Camera and Two Hands

Just recently I have begun to imagine what a film would be like, if the whole movie would be simply a camera following nothing but my hands. I think about how much my hands do and the things that they come into contact with...

My hands typing simple words onto a screen.

My pen drawing stars around notes that make me contemplate the world.

Moving my hands around different hands and arms.

Lifting my hands in praise.

My hands working as a team to cook.

Slapping my knee as my laughter consumes me.

My fingers in constant motion while communicating through an iphone.

Jewelry slipping on and off as the days go by.

Meeting new hands.

Comforting.

Cleaning.

Making mistakes.

Selling.

Reading.

Placing.

Grabbing clothes.

On a yoga mat.

Dancing. my hands are always dancing.

I wonder how much I would see? Would this film bring shame? Embarrassment? Pride? Smiles? Questions? Would my hands represent the character of a Woman of God? How much do these hands of mine reveal?

My hands tell stories.

Each day.

A new story.

"Think Good Thoughts"

I'm just gonna say it,
There's no using in delaying,
I'm tired of the angry hanging out inside me,

So I'll quiet down the devil,
I'm gonna knock him with a shovel,
And I'll burry all my troubles underneath the rubble

When I'm alone in my dark dark room,
I have to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na

I'm not saying that it's easy,
Especially when I'm moody,
I might be cursing like a sailor till I remind myself I'm better,

Cause words can be like weapons,
Oh and you use them, you regret them,
Oh but I'm not gonna let them take away my heaven

And when I start feeling blue,
I remember to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be

I just think rain on a summer night,
Stars filling up the sky,
Sunshining on my face,
Making a secret wish,
Finding my happiness,
That always makes me hold my head up high,
I wanna hold my head up high,

I wanna think good thoughts (Imagine what the world would be if we would just think good thoughts)
I wanna think good thoughts (wouldn't that be something?)
I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na

The Middle

My Feather Business

Venice Beach Skating Rink

Missy is a great driver

Oh just Michael Buble and Me-No big.

Beach Time!

Best Friends

Cousins

Walk to Work- Downtown Spokane

I sat on the airplane, traveling home from a 10 day vacation with my cousin (who is also my best friend), and "that place" hit me...I remember feeling "that place" when I came home from India. It's the place that I call the "middle," it's the place where you leave someone you love, or something wonderful like a vacation, but yet you are still not home. Not with the ones you love. And all you have is the missing from the last place you were and the longing for what is to come-the middle. It's a depressing place for me a lot of the time. Because in most cases, it's a pretty lonely place to sit and rest.

When I was on the airplane I stared the middle right in the face and began to think... I don't like the middle, at least I didn't used to. I realized I sit in the middle often...

The school year is my middle until summer approaches, then when I am ready for school to resume, the summer becomes my middle. Then school is once again my middle. So where and when is my beginning and where is my climatic end?

Between each trip I go on, I sit in the middle- awaiting and sometimes stressing over when I get to leave once again.

That makes this last year... my middle.

So where is my beginning and end again? I've become to realize that I am always waiting for something to happen, which can be a great thing, but it allows me to anxiously wait for something far down the road, rather than embrace the very moments I am living. The middle is a great place to be. The middle is a silly thing called life, and we gots to be livin' it up!

I'm working at Nordstrom, and I am loving it. Although my energy levels during my social time have widely decreased, I know that I am pretty darn lucky to have a job where I help someone feel beautiful and happy everyday. I have also started my own little feather extension business, which has added a nice little twist to my life.

I know I am working more than I am playing and seeing my friends right now, but it is so fun being able to make someone's day or meet someone new, because I am adding a feather to their hair; or decreasing the stress of finding "the perfect outfit for a wedding." I feel successful, because I am doing something where not only do I get the chance to lift someone's spirits, but I am meeting crazy cool people that really make my days of low energy and sore feet awesome!

Brito and Troy 2007 Spring Banquet
Troy, Brito, Brock, and Me 2007
Troy and Brock cutting our hair! 2007
Kara and me 2006
Ashley Brito and Kara came to visit me last night. They are two of my best friends from boarding school. When we get together, I just sit there with overflowing joy, and think, " I can't believe we are all together right now!" Kara is famous for her humor, but only the select few even come to realize how funny she really is. Brito giggles like no one else, and she has the ability to laugh at everything that Kara or I do. We get together like it was yesterday. There are so many small details over the years that have been left out, catching up that is so far gone to even bring into conversation, but it never seems like they have left my life for even a moment. Ah, good friends like these make me smile, and make life fantastic. From deep convos to silly dances, I can always count on these two for continuous moments of joy.

"In order to drive out the darkness, turn on the light!"

Stand

You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

We sang this song in church with a mashup of "Our God is an Awesome God" and it was REAL good. Songs like these in settings like that bring people together, but not just any people...People in the presence of a God so real.

REAL Home

It's interesting how numb I can become to the beauty filled in my REAL home. Right now I am renting a house out by school, my parents are still renting our house on South Hill, and then I have my home in Brewster. When I am talking to someone, and I tell them that "I am home" or "going home," they always think that I mean one of my houses in Spokane, but I most definitely mean my one and only REAL home, in Brewster.

Home is beautiful in the summer time! My mom is addicted to flowers and is consistently buying more and more everyday. She has a green thumb and has created a masterpiece in every corner and space around our house. With so many flowers, I have always weeded or dead headed for my mom since I can remember. Unfortunately, the gardens have gotten bigger each year, which has resulted in summers where weeding became a full time job.

I really don't mind working in the garden anymore. It's somewhat relaxing, and gives me time to think or to enjoy Ziggy Marley serenading me. Today, I really took time to think about all the good times I have had in those gardens, orchards, or yards. Jenny and I had so much fun just talking about the most wild and disturbing things last summer. When we were really young, we would get in mud fights so we wouldn't have to work. I walked past our playhouse today, it is the only thing that really hasn't changed in our yard. I stopped to take a good look at it..."Wow, that thing is tiny!!!" I don't know why in the midst of all this beauty and development and newness that my parents have left that crappy playhouse sitting there since we were children. Unmoved, neglected, yet with so many memories... I smile real big when I think about that playhouse and every memory that comes with it. In all our hiding games, it was the number one choice for a good hiding spot.

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." — Dr. Seuss

I Will Miss These Guys

After my grandpa died, I went back to Spokane for a few days to get some belongings and to visit my friends. It felt good to get out of the place that reminded me so much of my grandpa. When I was gone, I felt something besides exhaustion and sadness, and it felt like a little bit of me was back to old again. It is hard to see someone suffer, and the sadness and closeness that I felt to the family and my grandpa will forever be in my heart.

My boyfriend and I broke up the same week that I found out my grandpa was dying. There are two instances in my life where there was a death in the family and a breaking heart at the same time. At these moments, I really feel like there is not much else that can make me feel any worse...

But at the same time, there is nothing else that can make me feel better than the unity of a family brought together to celebrate the life of the greatest person we ever knew.

In these last few weeks my heart has been chipped at little by little as I say goodbye to a grandpa that is an icon of love, and a boy who I truly find unique, and at one point thought he was my perfect match. Although I have sent away pieces of my heart to travel along into someone else's life, it has left me stronger and thankful, for the moments I have shared, and the memories that have been created.

Now, I get to spend time with my grandma and keep learning new things about my grandpa and the wonderful life he lived. He is an icon of love, and touched every heart he came into contact with. I have been able to witness the longest marriage I know personally, and it has shown me the relationship that I pray for one day. And I pray for the man that is so similar to my grandpa Blaine- because he really was a "dream boy."

My Joy

My middle name is Blaine. I named my brother in India Blaine. I want to name my first child Blaine. I love the name Blaine...

Blaine Madden is my grandpa. Blaine Madden is a gift to mankind, truly. And three days ago I came to see my grandpa, a gift, a pure joy... in the hospital.

It is hard to see the person I always saw so strong and healthy my whole life, just so weak and uncomfortable. I have been sitting by his bed side rubbing his back, handing him tissues as he coughs, and situating his blankets and pillows as he sleeps sitting in a chair. Yes, he sleeps sitting...His almost 90 year old body is shutting down before our eyes, and today I sat there as two ladies asked him how he wanted to live his last days on earth.

My grandpa is literally cuter than babies, and he makes me laugh with his adorable features, silly sounds, and funny stories. He has SO much.

So much good. So much joy. So much to GIVE this world. He has given so much and loved so much, and in return, the people that have met my grandpa have fallen in love with him.

My mom and dad told me that my grandpa has never raised his voice in his entire life, that is seriously impressive. His loyalty to God and the people around him is unreal. He is getting weaker and weaker everyday, but he will still (in a two minute window of consciousness) bring everyone together to pray.

I really need him. I really needed my grandpa this week, and I am glad my grandpa needs me too. Because the needing that is going on and the love that is being passed around this family right now, is what makes life beautiful for me in many not so beautiful situations I've been battling.

Right now, grandpa is on his way home with my mom and grandma, and he will be here as comfortable as can be until the day it is time for him to go.

As the two ladies were talking with him today, planning his next moves, they asked him what concerns he had for his life as it comes near to the end, and he replied "My only concern is my wife. She wants to go to Arizona next winter, and I want her to be able to go without me." That is who Blaine is...Not one time has he complained of being uncomfortable, or in pain, and in a time to be open about his concerns, he thinks only of the woman he has passionately loved for 62 years of marriage.

He makes the world a better place.

When I am surrounded by all my friends, there is really nothing else that matters at that moment. I have such a great group of girls that will do anything for me at any time, even if it's during finals week. We made dinner, funny videos, took a walk, slacklined, and posed for the camera MANY times. There are just SO many good things in my life, that let me know everything is really not just OK, but absolutely joyful. I can't wait to create memories with these girls!

Just in the moment where I realize a spiritual pause, God intervenes and it makes everything so real. The realness of the artist at work, is a comforting and peaceful thing, that I am most grateful for.

this is what it is about.

"Missions then is less about the transportation of God from one place to another and more about the identification of a God who is already there [...] You see God where others don't. And then you point him out. So the issue isn't so much taking Jesus to people who don't have him, but going to a place and pointing out to the people the creative, life-giving God who is already present in their midst. "-Rob Bell

She wanted a picture of her in the bathroom haha...

Last night I went to India.

Sojinia saw me and came running into my arms.

I jumped into a rickshaw to go see my Amma in Vempalli.

And then I woke up.

Amma, I miss you so much it hurts. One day I will be back there and I won't hurt anymore.

Division of the Fortunate and the Unfortunate.

I hit Division and it begins....

One stop light after another.

One homeless person after another.

I am aware and in the presence of their existence.

Division?

Yes, I think so.

I sit in my car and ponder the division between the person holding a card board sign gripped between two dirty, cold hands and myself.

I try not to make eye contact. If I do, I don't know if I should smile, because if I smile they might think I am going to give...Should I give? But maybe a smile would mean something to them. I wonder how they ended up the way they did. Drugs? Abuse? Lies? Abandonment?

Homelessness, is its own community. They all carry the same look-rugged, tired, cold, sad, alone, hungry, dirty, needy...

Where did it begin? Who was the first person to decide to steal a shopping cart to carry their belongings? Who was the first person to decide to hold up a sign? Why is it always cardboard?

You know what big questions I always have?

"What alley way, business, or dumpster did they find their cardboard? And more importantly, where did they get the marker? Did they buy it? Did they walk into a business and ask for a marker, and proceed to set their cardboard down on that table or desk, to write their humility on that sign?"

How does one begin to find a phrase that is so vulnerable, humiliating, worth money, and just a few words that fits on a space small enough to hold for hours on end?

For some reason...I am so stuck on that sign....

It's art.

Scattered Thoughts and Japan

America is blessed. Truly blessed. Sometimes it is hard to remember how blessed we are, when we don't see and experience things outside our home, school, state, country, or even ourselves. I'm blessed.

I know a lot of people who have seen many awful and heart throbbing things. I know I have... But sometimes even if we have or haven't been out of the country, or even stepped out of our own environment, we forget there is SO much more out there. Outside of me and my social life, outside my deep missing for India, outside my homework, outside my family, my boyfriend, outside spokane...

There is just SO much outside.

Sometimes, I get frustrated with people and their ignorance. I sit there thinking, "They don't even know..." Once I came back from India, I was so frustrated with America in general.

All the materials, petty conversations, and bad attitudes...

People who have been on a mission trip know what I am talking about...You feel changed for a split moment after you return, and then you struggle to reach that ultimate high of contentment and closeness with God (that you once experienced somewhere else) for the rest of your life, but it just doesn't ever quite get there.

It's hard to want to be in America, when I have felt such frustration towards it. It's just that feeling of always needing to "go" because when I am here I am not doing what I NEED to be doing.

But when I am not here, I miss it. When I am "out there" there are a lot of things I miss.

This might sound a little patriotic...but I really do love our country.

I watch the news and listen to the radio and whenever their is a tragic disaster, whether it be in our country, or in Haiti, or Japan, we really do come together.

We have been thrown into this crazy world, where we are constantly surrounded by ugly things, but it amazes me that our countries can use each other for the better, and honestly make the world a better place. The way God intended it to be. Now, that is absolutely beautiful.

Decisions, Certainty, and Everything Else I Am Terrible At

We are surrounded by familiar and new people everyday. Each person carries something special or unique with them, and most people some time in their life, make the grand decision of choosing a major.

I don't know how many times I have changed my major....Maybe three? Along with various pre-professions...

I am a Nursing major, or should I say was?

One thing I have realized about choosing a major, is that you have got to be passionate about what you are choosing! Because in most cases, we, as college students, are deciding our future. It is the little bit that we have control over.

It is the piece to the puzzle that involves decisions and certainty.

So here I am. Uncertain.

I am so thankful for the people around me that are following their passions, and their certainty is inspiring! Because without these people, I would never get to the point of knowing what I love to do, knowing what makes me spark, or knowing what I am meant to do.

I am not 100% sure of what I want to do or where I am going...That is for sure! But after many years of seeing those people who are nursing majors, I have realized that their passion is not mine. And although it is quite frightening to realize I am once again going in the wrong direction...It is going to be OK.

I have finally realized that the world doesn't just need the medical people. The best thing I can do for this world, is doing what I love and am passionate about, because that is what is going to make me come alive!

"Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, because what the world needs is people that have come alive. "

Awake

I was awake. So awake that I thought hard and long, because at 1 am, 2 am, 3 am, and 4 am, I was alone and miserably awake. It's a mystery to me, why some nights I just can't sleep. Is it something I ate or drank? Something on my mind? Is my bed too slanted? (my bed collapsed and is now being held up on one side by books). My body was just there, thinking about all the possibilities for my lack of tiredness. Last night was different than most sleepless nights...It wasn't that I just couldn't sleep, it was the fact that I was just not tired, I was undoubtably WIDE awake.

I was once told that sometimes in our times of restlessness or sleepless nights, the cause could be not a circumstance or something we ate or drank, but merely a time to speak to God or more importantly, to listen.

So I prayed.

As I sit here thinking about my long night, I think the biggest thing that gets me is the word "awake."

I have realized I am not very awake. Last night I was awake and alone in my own ideas, prayers, and thoughts and I was REALLY awake.

I was really there. My mind was there and my surroundings were on pause.

I have realized I am not a very awake person during my days of living. I want to be awake! I want to know what I am thinking and dig deep into myself and my surroundings. I want to know myself even deeper and I want to be aware of what is happening within my soul. Because I am never going to know where I want to go and the person I am meant to become if I don't wake up everyday.

The Power of a Sticky Note

I go to Life Center, an amazing non denominational church. The pastor there is phenomenal, just incredible! He is full of wisdom and inspirational words every week that I ACTUALLY get excited for the next sermon. My friends and I are always asking, "I wonder what Pastor Joe's new series is on?!" He is pretty much a celebrity amongst us Whitworthians.

The new series for the next few weeks is called "Pass it on." It is all about being a Christian and passing it on to the world. Sharing the love. Being disciples. All the good stuff we are created to do!

Last Sunday (the first day of the new series) Pastor Joe had everyone take out a handout in our programs that said "love list" above it. We were asked to take a few moments and write down a few names of people that we love that we want to come to know the Lord. It was our new prayer list. Our new mission.

We were then asked to write each name on a sticky note and put it up around the walls of the church. This church is HUGE, and after thousands of sticky notes were on the walls, the walls were covered. The church was covered in names of people that need us everyday. People that need God. In just one church, in one city, we were surrounded by thousands and thousands of people that need us to "pass it on."

I was sitting next to a really great guy that day, and he texted me last night and told me that a friend of his told him he wanted to become a Christian yesterday. After I replied with excitement, I then received a message that said " I put his name on a sticky note."

I put his name on a sticky note...goodness...that just sank right in and gave me chills all over my body.

How incredible!

there are so many good things going on in life right now, but i am having trouble finding inspiration to write!

This is my favorite song right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3CqR_m6NO0&feature=related

Valentines Day

I have never big a big fan of V-day...Not because I am a lonely single who hates to be single, but because I find it a day hard to make truly special when such force and pressure is behind it. Who loves a day filled with expectations and force? Not me.

Tomorrow, a big group of us are getting together. Mostly singles, one married, one dating (husband and bf are out of town), and just a big group of funny and kind people.

I think that tomorrow, might just be my favorite Valentines Day yet!

Presently My Favorite Quote:

Have faith. Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things falls apart, so that things can fall together. -Dan Zadra

Walla Walla Comes To Spokane!

To all you Walla Walla people...Thanks for brightening up Spokane this weekend. It was a TRUE blessing to have you here!

Connections

My favorite word right now is connections.

I really love people. I love the people who surround me every week, the people that let me see how real people are and how connected we can be.

When I was on vacation last week my family and I were SO connected. My sisters and I got a long so well. We shared secrets...Ah, I love secrets!

When we were growing up we never wanted to tell each other anything. We kept things from each other. Sometimes just because we could. Sometimes because we didn't want mom or dad finding out. And sometimes just to hold it over each other's heads that we knew something they didn't. Haha...

I've realized secrets are a big deal. They bring people together. Secrets are connections.

My sisters have all shared things with me that have ended with, "You are the only one I have told this to..."

I love that saying...It's like hearing, "I trust you more than anyone else, and right now I know that what I say is going to be so real, sometimes good sometimes bad, but real. And I know that whatever I tell you, you will treasure, you will listen, and that is all I need right now."

BOOM! Connected.

My best friend came back from a month in Peru on Monday. We have been inseparable all week. I just have so much fun with Annalise. She is so honest and down to earth. Everyone loves her. I could not be so thankful for such a strong connection with a friend.

Kara is in France. We write and skype often. Even though she is SO far away, I feel more connected to her than those I see everyday. God has given me a friend that I am so thankful for.

When I feel a new connection between a person and me, for whatever reason, it just feels like God has placed that person in my life for that exact moment.

These connections fill my moments with living.

Last year when I went to Mexico I met a girl named Selah. We became friends through the fact that we both went to India for mission work at some point in our lives. It was a good connection. Rare, but good. It's nice to know that somewhere in this world there is someone else you can relate to, even if it is just an interesting character you meet in a spa on vacation. I found comfort in the fact that Selah had seen the people I saw, loved the people I loved, and experienced the culture I chose to embrace.

I just got back from Mexico a couple days ago and my family and Selah's family have actually become quite good friends. Our moms are very much alike and our families just mix so well. Selah and her family talked about India and we compared and shared our experiences. She told me about the first time her group got into a taxi, and how the two taxi drivers split up the groups and took them to a parking lot to steal their things...It was so interesting hearing all her crazy stories...Soon I felt like Selah and I couldn't even relate in our experiences, that I once thought were so similar.

The whole time she was talking, I was thinking, "Did we REALLY go to the same place?"

I began to really reflect on my experience, and how safe and loved I was when I was there. I literally felt invincible. Kati and I were fearless, and it just felt so right to be there in living those precious moments.

That really shows me how much God was a part of that trip. I just have never thanked God for that. The safety and the love...Oh man, Selah does not even know!

How could I get so lucky in that crazy country?

There is so much I want to do that I haven't been doing, and it really makes me question how much I really want to do anything these days.

I think the first step is learning how to REALLY want something.

Can I forget?

One of the worst moments of my life was the day my hands slipped away from my Indian family's as I drifted away from the place I knew as my home for months. Leaving so suddenly gave me absolutely no time to prepare myself to leave India or to come home and face what life I had put on pause. I don't like to think about leaving, how I left, and why I left.

Today, I relived some of these moments. Why today? Why any day? I don't know...I've put it so far behind me that eventually it had to catch up. Today, I didn't go back to the day I left, I went to the few days after I left. The days where I was no longer in India, and yet my heart was still there. My passion. My desire. My most unique and cherished relationships. The everyday laughter. The unlimited time with my best friend. Most of these things have traveled across the world and found their way back to me, except one.

I can't bring my most unique and cherished relationships home with me.

My tears have eventually ceased. Although my heart still misses, I try to forget that I left them. Silly I know...How can I forget?

I left without preparation. I came home unready and unexpectedly, and I have fought it for almost a year now. A year...WOW!

Here it goes, I'm allowing myself to not forget. I'm allowing myself to hurt and feel those feelings I've buried. It's interesting how fake I can be with myself, how unreal, how dishonest...

A whole year...

I tried to picture Deva Sutya's face today when he came back from the holiday to hear I was gone. I imagined Princess, Nyomi, Teja, and Marybai rynning to our door to tell us how much they missed us...Oh, their faces...Seeing those beautiful smiles fall away. Just knowing the feeling that they probably felt... The emotion, the hurt, the confusion. I bet I have a good idea how they felt, because I felt the same way.

For so long these angelic relationships and people were new to me. We had absolutely nothing in common. Now, almost a year after I left India my relationships have grown stronger. Most I have not even spoken with at all, but I know our relationships are no longer new, and now we do have something in common. We simply miss each other.

We really just don't know how good we have it, until we are in a crowded room full of people who have nothing. My world has once again been rocked, and I want to change all over again.

Dancing Gives Me a Sense of Freedom

I can't wait until spring. Then, yes then, I can dance in a green field.

I never see the money that goes into my schooling. I know how EXPENSIVE college is and even how EXPENSIVE UCA was, but I never see the money. My parents have gone through a lot to get my sisters and me where we are. We have a pretty cushion life when it comes to education...Yah, I have taken out loans for college, but not that much compared to most...and who doesn't take out loans these days anyway?

My mom handed me a check for my schooling the other day. It wasn't anything new, she just laid it on the counter and said "Don't forget to take this to school tomorrow!" I looked at it, and put it away. Until a couple days ago, checks and cards were so unrealistic to me. They are things made of paper and plastic that take money away without you even seeing it. On Monday, I went to the accounting office opened the check, saw the large amount (like always, bleh...) and gave it to the student accounting lady to deposit into my account. This time it wasn't so easy. Something about that check, made me painfully guilty. Here I am taking my parents money. Not just 10 bucks but 1,000s of dollars! I am here living in this nice house, going to a beautiful school, and I don't even see the hard work and time put into that piece of paper I just deposited into my school account.

I don't know if I have ever thanked my parents once for my education. They are so hard-working, motivated, and generous! If you know my mom...She is as generous as generous gets.

Parents do a lot for nothing in return. I just don't know how they do it. I am scared to grow up, because I don't think I will ever be able to do what they do.

Be Mesmerized!

I am in love with a sunny, snowy winter day. The sky and everything about it makes this world beautiful. Not even google images can capture the essence of its beauty. Look outside, breathe deep, and be mesmerized!