Can I forget?

One of the worst moments of my life was the day my hands slipped away from my Indian family's as I drifted away from the place I knew as my home for months. Leaving so suddenly gave me absolutely no time to prepare myself to leave India or to come home and face what life I had put on pause. I don't like to think about leaving, how I left, and why I left.

Today, I relived some of these moments. Why today? Why any day? I don't know...I've put it so far behind me that eventually it had to catch up. Today, I didn't go back to the day I left, I went to the few days after I left. The days where I was no longer in India, and yet my heart was still there. My passion. My desire. My most unique and cherished relationships. The everyday laughter. The unlimited time with my best friend. Most of these things have traveled across the world and found their way back to me, except one.

I can't bring my most unique and cherished relationships home with me.

My tears have eventually ceased. Although my heart still misses, I try to forget that I left them. Silly I know...How can I forget?

I left without preparation. I came home unready and unexpectedly, and I have fought it for almost a year now. A year...WOW!

Here it goes, I'm allowing myself to not forget. I'm allowing myself to hurt and feel those feelings I've buried. It's interesting how fake I can be with myself, how unreal, how dishonest...

A whole year...

I tried to picture Deva Sutya's face today when he came back from the holiday to hear I was gone. I imagined Princess, Nyomi, Teja, and Marybai rynning to our door to tell us how much they missed us...Oh, their faces...Seeing those beautiful smiles fall away. Just knowing the feeling that they probably felt... The emotion, the hurt, the confusion. I bet I have a good idea how they felt, because I felt the same way.

For so long these angelic relationships and people were new to me. We had absolutely nothing in common. Now, almost a year after I left India my relationships have grown stronger. Most I have not even spoken with at all, but I know our relationships are no longer new, and now we do have something in common. We simply miss each other.