Just Myself

I am home for fall break. This is the first time I have been home since school started, and I am alone. My family is scattered all over the place tonight, and it just leaves me, at home, by myself, swimming in my own thoughts. I really haven't felt this alone in a long time. No one to talk to, no homework to bury myself in, just me. Sometimes I am scared to be alone. Because to be alone, means that I can't run away from myself. I am faced with the things outside of homework, social life, and activities. I am faced to look deep into my heart and mind and to dig up the things that make my heart ache.

I sat in the hot tub tonight, and listened to the rain.... I closed my eyes and told myself to stop thinking. It's hard, try it sometime. I made my body relax. Once relaxed I listened to the rain fall, and the rain reminded me of India. Oh, yes, India. Once again, India. Today, I listened to a song that reminded me of my time in India. Today, I opened my cupboard and saw basmati rice, and it reminded me of India. Today, I ate macaroni and it reminded me of how my Indian father called macaroni "macoli." Today, my heart was heavy, and since I am alone, I am faced with myself. Myself misses India oh so dearly.

Silence

I am going going going. This week, all I did was GO. No stopping, no relaxing, no fun.

Now, my week is over, and I can finally stop.

This morning, I opened my door, getting ready to rush to my car to avoid the cold.

As I took my first few steps, I noticed it wasn't actually that cold.

No, it was pleasant.

I stopped.

Stood on my deck.

And looked out, really looked out. Since we moved, I haven't even noticed what a pretty area I live in.

The temperature was pleasing to warm body, it told me to stop, and see.

My mesmerized eyes told my body to relax, my relaxed body told me to breathe the fresh air that is freely given to me everyday.

My body and my eyes told me to listen.

Listen to the silence that God has given me.

Today, I was blessed by this short moment of stopping.

I get busy, we get busy, and even when we aren't busy we forget that it is OK to stop.

Listen to your body.

Listen to the silence we are blessed with.

"God blesses us, so that we may give."-Lead singer of Casting Crowns

I listened

My family is full of dominant, open, talkative people. I used to get extremely frustrated when we all spent time together. I had a short fuse, and with people just like me, it went fast.

Traveling in the car is usually the worst...We will argue about the most ridiculous things, and everyone has a different opinion on where to eat, who is coming with us, where we are going, what way is faster, who actually knows how to get to our destination. Everyone talking over each other. I have learned to tone it down quite a bit.

Most of the time I just tune everyone out, or we learn to laugh at each other. We are good at that. Yesterday, I tried something new... Instead of tuning my lovely parents out as I laid in bed, I just listened. There I was, trying to sleep, but of course not getting any.

I was first woken up by my mom screaming, "There is poop on my hand! Paul your cat got poop on me!" She starts knocking on the bathroom door where my dad is showering, "Paul! Paul!" He yells, "I'm in the shower I can't hear what you are saying!"

Mom: "Open up the door your cat pooped on me!"

Dad: "Ok, but I am going to get water everywhere!"

After my mom washed off the cat poop, I began to listen to the two of them communicate. It was precious....

Mom: "Paul, you just left your towel on the floor."

Dad: "Well, you made me get water all over the floor to open the door, so I had to put a towel on the floor to clean up all the water."

Mom: "You know, I am really starting to like football."

Dad: "Well just sit right next to me in all the games, and ask me as many questions as you like. I will make sure you know everything you want to know.

It is fun to just listen to these two rascals... I love them, and I know why they work so well together. They are precious, and they made me smile.

I see a lot of ugly everyday. I drive from one end of Spokane to the other, and I see it, everyday, on every side...ugly.
I pass by the same struggling, tattered, hurting people everyday. Sometimes I close my eyes as I drive by. Sometimes I stop. Sometimes I give. Everytime I hurt. Hurt for those who haven't been as lucky as me in this game of life.
I'm overwhelmed by the hurt of the world. All the sadness that I can't stop! I read blogs, hear stories, see and experience different worlds and I can't stop hurting and wishing that it would all go away. I want to do BIG things for Spokane. I have realized that it will be a long time until I can venture out into another country or culture and do BIG things for myself, others, and for God. It is hard to accept the fact that the people on the streets of Spokane need help too. As for now, I will do what I can for those in need around me. Because my home town is hurting too.

Kate sent this to me and I loved it... Good reminder!

The Knots Prayer:

Dear God,

Please untie the knots that are in my mind,my heart and my life.Remove the have nots,the can nots and the do nots that I have in my mind. Erase the will nots,may nots, and might nots that find a home in my heart. Release me from the could nots,would nots and should nots that obstruct my life. And most of all, dear God,I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart, and my life all of the am nots that I have allowed to hold me back,especially the thought that I am not good enough. Amen.

I miss. I just miss....

The worst part about missing someone, it just doesn't go away.

The missing never stops.

Some days, I wait for the day that I won't think, talk, or feel for India. The truth is, that day will never come.

I'll never stop missing it.

Missing someone isn't a choice, it isn't something I can just switch off, and it isn't something that is wrong.

I miss so deeply.

I miss Kara. When I can't talk to Kara, I feel like there is so much that I am keeping to myself.

Missing hurts, oh, it hurts...It is uncontrollable and that makes it so much worse.

Simple

My sister told my family this weekend that this was the best year of her life. That for once, she felt just happy from the inside out. I smiled when I heard her talking. My sister's happiness made me happy.

Today, I was writing in my journal and I felt so uninspired...So many great things are going on in my life, but my journal entry was so boring... I reread what I wrote:

"Life is great. School is great. My friends are great. My family is great. I love my new home. I am doing well in school."

-Just a lot of "goods" and "greats." My sister was right about life...

God is good.

Life is just.

simply.

good.

It's just that simple...

We finally moved into our new house in Spokane. I have my OWN room. After six years in a dorm, I have never been so ready to have my own space with my personality written all over it. Today, I hung pictures up across my head board, I love seeing the people that I love hanging in my room. Even though Whitworth is fun and wonderful, I do miss my amazing friends at Walla Walla.