"In order to drive out the darkness, turn on the light!"

Stand

You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

We sang this song in church with a mashup of "Our God is an Awesome God" and it was REAL good. Songs like these in settings like that bring people together, but not just any people...People in the presence of a God so real.

REAL Home

It's interesting how numb I can become to the beauty filled in my REAL home. Right now I am renting a house out by school, my parents are still renting our house on South Hill, and then I have my home in Brewster. When I am talking to someone, and I tell them that "I am home" or "going home," they always think that I mean one of my houses in Spokane, but I most definitely mean my one and only REAL home, in Brewster.

Home is beautiful in the summer time! My mom is addicted to flowers and is consistently buying more and more everyday. She has a green thumb and has created a masterpiece in every corner and space around our house. With so many flowers, I have always weeded or dead headed for my mom since I can remember. Unfortunately, the gardens have gotten bigger each year, which has resulted in summers where weeding became a full time job.

I really don't mind working in the garden anymore. It's somewhat relaxing, and gives me time to think or to enjoy Ziggy Marley serenading me. Today, I really took time to think about all the good times I have had in those gardens, orchards, or yards. Jenny and I had so much fun just talking about the most wild and disturbing things last summer. When we were really young, we would get in mud fights so we wouldn't have to work. I walked past our playhouse today, it is the only thing that really hasn't changed in our yard. I stopped to take a good look at it..."Wow, that thing is tiny!!!" I don't know why in the midst of all this beauty and development and newness that my parents have left that crappy playhouse sitting there since we were children. Unmoved, neglected, yet with so many memories... I smile real big when I think about that playhouse and every memory that comes with it. In all our hiding games, it was the number one choice for a good hiding spot.

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." — Dr. Seuss

I Will Miss These Guys

After my grandpa died, I went back to Spokane for a few days to get some belongings and to visit my friends. It felt good to get out of the place that reminded me so much of my grandpa. When I was gone, I felt something besides exhaustion and sadness, and it felt like a little bit of me was back to old again. It is hard to see someone suffer, and the sadness and closeness that I felt to the family and my grandpa will forever be in my heart.

My boyfriend and I broke up the same week that I found out my grandpa was dying. There are two instances in my life where there was a death in the family and a breaking heart at the same time. At these moments, I really feel like there is not much else that can make me feel any worse...

But at the same time, there is nothing else that can make me feel better than the unity of a family brought together to celebrate the life of the greatest person we ever knew.

In these last few weeks my heart has been chipped at little by little as I say goodbye to a grandpa that is an icon of love, and a boy who I truly find unique, and at one point thought he was my perfect match. Although I have sent away pieces of my heart to travel along into someone else's life, it has left me stronger and thankful, for the moments I have shared, and the memories that have been created.

Now, I get to spend time with my grandma and keep learning new things about my grandpa and the wonderful life he lived. He is an icon of love, and touched every heart he came into contact with. I have been able to witness the longest marriage I know personally, and it has shown me the relationship that I pray for one day. And I pray for the man that is so similar to my grandpa Blaine- because he really was a "dream boy."

My Joy

My middle name is Blaine. I named my brother in India Blaine. I want to name my first child Blaine. I love the name Blaine...

Blaine Madden is my grandpa. Blaine Madden is a gift to mankind, truly. And three days ago I came to see my grandpa, a gift, a pure joy... in the hospital.

It is hard to see the person I always saw so strong and healthy my whole life, just so weak and uncomfortable. I have been sitting by his bed side rubbing his back, handing him tissues as he coughs, and situating his blankets and pillows as he sleeps sitting in a chair. Yes, he sleeps sitting...His almost 90 year old body is shutting down before our eyes, and today I sat there as two ladies asked him how he wanted to live his last days on earth.

My grandpa is literally cuter than babies, and he makes me laugh with his adorable features, silly sounds, and funny stories. He has SO much.

So much good. So much joy. So much to GIVE this world. He has given so much and loved so much, and in return, the people that have met my grandpa have fallen in love with him.

My mom and dad told me that my grandpa has never raised his voice in his entire life, that is seriously impressive. His loyalty to God and the people around him is unreal. He is getting weaker and weaker everyday, but he will still (in a two minute window of consciousness) bring everyone together to pray.

I really need him. I really needed my grandpa this week, and I am glad my grandpa needs me too. Because the needing that is going on and the love that is being passed around this family right now, is what makes life beautiful for me in many not so beautiful situations I've been battling.

Right now, grandpa is on his way home with my mom and grandma, and he will be here as comfortable as can be until the day it is time for him to go.

As the two ladies were talking with him today, planning his next moves, they asked him what concerns he had for his life as it comes near to the end, and he replied "My only concern is my wife. She wants to go to Arizona next winter, and I want her to be able to go without me." That is who Blaine is...Not one time has he complained of being uncomfortable, or in pain, and in a time to be open about his concerns, he thinks only of the woman he has passionately loved for 62 years of marriage.

He makes the world a better place.

When I am surrounded by all my friends, there is really nothing else that matters at that moment. I have such a great group of girls that will do anything for me at any time, even if it's during finals week. We made dinner, funny videos, took a walk, slacklined, and posed for the camera MANY times. There are just SO many good things in my life, that let me know everything is really not just OK, but absolutely joyful. I can't wait to create memories with these girls!

Just in the moment where I realize a spiritual pause, God intervenes and it makes everything so real. The realness of the artist at work, is a comforting and peaceful thing, that I am most grateful for.