Connections

My favorite word right now is connections.

I really love people. I love the people who surround me every week, the people that let me see how real people are and how connected we can be.

When I was on vacation last week my family and I were SO connected. My sisters and I got a long so well. We shared secrets...Ah, I love secrets!

When we were growing up we never wanted to tell each other anything. We kept things from each other. Sometimes just because we could. Sometimes because we didn't want mom or dad finding out. And sometimes just to hold it over each other's heads that we knew something they didn't. Haha...

I've realized secrets are a big deal. They bring people together. Secrets are connections.

My sisters have all shared things with me that have ended with, "You are the only one I have told this to..."

I love that saying...It's like hearing, "I trust you more than anyone else, and right now I know that what I say is going to be so real, sometimes good sometimes bad, but real. And I know that whatever I tell you, you will treasure, you will listen, and that is all I need right now."

BOOM! Connected.

My best friend came back from a month in Peru on Monday. We have been inseparable all week. I just have so much fun with Annalise. She is so honest and down to earth. Everyone loves her. I could not be so thankful for such a strong connection with a friend.

Kara is in France. We write and skype often. Even though she is SO far away, I feel more connected to her than those I see everyday. God has given me a friend that I am so thankful for.

When I feel a new connection between a person and me, for whatever reason, it just feels like God has placed that person in my life for that exact moment.

These connections fill my moments with living.

Last year when I went to Mexico I met a girl named Selah. We became friends through the fact that we both went to India for mission work at some point in our lives. It was a good connection. Rare, but good. It's nice to know that somewhere in this world there is someone else you can relate to, even if it is just an interesting character you meet in a spa on vacation. I found comfort in the fact that Selah had seen the people I saw, loved the people I loved, and experienced the culture I chose to embrace.

I just got back from Mexico a couple days ago and my family and Selah's family have actually become quite good friends. Our moms are very much alike and our families just mix so well. Selah and her family talked about India and we compared and shared our experiences. She told me about the first time her group got into a taxi, and how the two taxi drivers split up the groups and took them to a parking lot to steal their things...It was so interesting hearing all her crazy stories...Soon I felt like Selah and I couldn't even relate in our experiences, that I once thought were so similar.

The whole time she was talking, I was thinking, "Did we REALLY go to the same place?"

I began to really reflect on my experience, and how safe and loved I was when I was there. I literally felt invincible. Kati and I were fearless, and it just felt so right to be there in living those precious moments.

That really shows me how much God was a part of that trip. I just have never thanked God for that. The safety and the love...Oh man, Selah does not even know!

How could I get so lucky in that crazy country?

There is so much I want to do that I haven't been doing, and it really makes me question how much I really want to do anything these days.

I think the first step is learning how to REALLY want something.

Can I forget?

One of the worst moments of my life was the day my hands slipped away from my Indian family's as I drifted away from the place I knew as my home for months. Leaving so suddenly gave me absolutely no time to prepare myself to leave India or to come home and face what life I had put on pause. I don't like to think about leaving, how I left, and why I left.

Today, I relived some of these moments. Why today? Why any day? I don't know...I've put it so far behind me that eventually it had to catch up. Today, I didn't go back to the day I left, I went to the few days after I left. The days where I was no longer in India, and yet my heart was still there. My passion. My desire. My most unique and cherished relationships. The everyday laughter. The unlimited time with my best friend. Most of these things have traveled across the world and found their way back to me, except one.

I can't bring my most unique and cherished relationships home with me.

My tears have eventually ceased. Although my heart still misses, I try to forget that I left them. Silly I know...How can I forget?

I left without preparation. I came home unready and unexpectedly, and I have fought it for almost a year now. A year...WOW!

Here it goes, I'm allowing myself to not forget. I'm allowing myself to hurt and feel those feelings I've buried. It's interesting how fake I can be with myself, how unreal, how dishonest...

A whole year...

I tried to picture Deva Sutya's face today when he came back from the holiday to hear I was gone. I imagined Princess, Nyomi, Teja, and Marybai rynning to our door to tell us how much they missed us...Oh, their faces...Seeing those beautiful smiles fall away. Just knowing the feeling that they probably felt... The emotion, the hurt, the confusion. I bet I have a good idea how they felt, because I felt the same way.

For so long these angelic relationships and people were new to me. We had absolutely nothing in common. Now, almost a year after I left India my relationships have grown stronger. Most I have not even spoken with at all, but I know our relationships are no longer new, and now we do have something in common. We simply miss each other.

We really just don't know how good we have it, until we are in a crowded room full of people who have nothing. My world has once again been rocked, and I want to change all over again.

Dancing Gives Me a Sense of Freedom

I can't wait until spring. Then, yes then, I can dance in a green field.

I never see the money that goes into my schooling. I know how EXPENSIVE college is and even how EXPENSIVE UCA was, but I never see the money. My parents have gone through a lot to get my sisters and me where we are. We have a pretty cushion life when it comes to education...Yah, I have taken out loans for college, but not that much compared to most...and who doesn't take out loans these days anyway?

My mom handed me a check for my schooling the other day. It wasn't anything new, she just laid it on the counter and said "Don't forget to take this to school tomorrow!" I looked at it, and put it away. Until a couple days ago, checks and cards were so unrealistic to me. They are things made of paper and plastic that take money away without you even seeing it. On Monday, I went to the accounting office opened the check, saw the large amount (like always, bleh...) and gave it to the student accounting lady to deposit into my account. This time it wasn't so easy. Something about that check, made me painfully guilty. Here I am taking my parents money. Not just 10 bucks but 1,000s of dollars! I am here living in this nice house, going to a beautiful school, and I don't even see the hard work and time put into that piece of paper I just deposited into my school account.

I don't know if I have ever thanked my parents once for my education. They are so hard-working, motivated, and generous! If you know my mom...She is as generous as generous gets.

Parents do a lot for nothing in return. I just don't know how they do it. I am scared to grow up, because I don't think I will ever be able to do what they do.