dear God, thank you for this beautiful life and forgive me if i don't love it enough

I am in the process of applying to graduate school right now. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that I was graduating in December. Since that exciting and scary realization, I have begun to see everyday as closer to this part of my life that is ending. 

I was really freaking out the first couple weeks of school. I went from being this student ready for her senior year, to a frantic almost graduate that felt totally unprepared. From one life moment to the next. Everyday is getting closer to December.

Loans...BLEH

Growing up...

Planning...

Resumes...

Applications...

Research...

Goodbyes...

There is so much to think about when we venture off into a new chapter. I think about all those big life changing hoops I've jumped through , and how great life has really turned out for me... 

So, when I am planning the future I tell myself, "Everything is going to be OK." My mom taught me that one, and it is one of the most true statements I've heard. 

PS- Meet my best friends and roomies- I'm so very thankful for these 5 ladies.

Blessings and Gravity

I am completely blessed to be at the Northeast Youth Center, that place completes the “helper” in me. I have set my goals, and am already focusing on what I can do to fulfill these goals through the children and my experience there. Right now, I am trying to be as genuinely kind as I can, so that I can really gain the trust and love of the little tikes in my life. The counselor inside me wants to know the history of these children’s lives- where they came from, where they are, what makes them sad or happy, and most of all, why?

I am so passionate about developmental psychology; it helps me create the stories of these children. My two main focuses are Kobe and Sam. Kobe is absolutely adorable, super easy kid for the most part. Kobe has autism, and I think that is probably why he is one of the favorites at the center. I have never had experience with autism, so it excites me to be able to observe and interact with Kobe. Sam is pretty difficult, sometimes rough at times, and she seems very disconnected in some way. I am not sure if Sam has actually been diagnosed with a disorder, but I can tell I learn a lot from her. Sam gravitates toward me, and although she may not be a favorite, she makes me feel important and special too, it’s a precious thing. 

GG

Cherry harvest is a chaotic time for my family, but it is over. Cherries have been picked, packed by the family's small hands, and sold to the cherry lovers in our world.  My sister had a wedding reception. And we have gladly accepted multiple friends and family members into our home since the first day of summer. Life has been lived fully in the Madden home the last two months.

A couple weeks ago, my mom came into my bedroom at 4 in morning and told me my aunt had died. Ever since I heard those words slip so fast out of her mouth, I have almost refused to accept that she is actually gone. forever. For some reason, losing someone hurts so badly, but at the same time seem so unreal. It is silly to think that I still expect to see her soon. Because my whole life she has been here. And now, for the rest of my life, she won't be here.

Gillian is my aunt (my mom's only sibling). She likes to be called GG though. She is our aunt GG.

Anyone who has met GG would say that she is unique and quite eccentric. She grew up in Venice Beach, CA, and she had that written all over her from her widespread vocabulary to her choice of dress. For my 9th birthday I got to go visit her and my grandparents. That was all I wanted to do, was hang out with Aunt Gillian. We bought a ten dollar bike for me to ride around the boardwalk with her for the time while I was there, and it was one of the best times of my life. Seriously, she is one of the funnest people ever. Being around her was always an adventure. Even before she was gone, I would always reminisce about my times with her. I spent most of my life with her, she would come and go, but when she would come and stay for long amounts of time, she was a hit with us girls. She loved us. She would tell me I was her favorite, I think that I was the only one she told that to... haha...

She loved Sugar Ray, if you haven't listened to them, you should. They brighten up the day. She hated snakes. I once saw her jump so high, scream some weird words, and run off in her platform flip flops into the orchard...she saw a snake and didn't take it well. Every time I walk that path, I imagine that little moment of her freaking out. She has a 9 year old son, Zane. He lived with us most of his life, so having him back seems almost natural. He is comfortable with us for the time being. He calls us his sisters now, and we have willingly accepted that role. GG loved to dance. Zane dances ALL the time. He loves to play youtube videos and just dance. It is fun to see how much of GG Zane has in him. I am glad we still have a part of her with us. 

Serenity

My relationships are one of my greatest teachers. My mom shows me how easily I can get frustrated. My dad shows me where I got my ability to start laughing and not be able to stop. My sisters show me how loving or mean I can be. My friends show me how much I can mean to a person, and how much my character can shine. My boyfriend shows me how to trust and be understanding. Without people, it would be hard to realize the strengths AND weaknesses that are so instilled in my bones.

I have learned from many situations, that I have a hard time accepting situations that I can not change. My newest teacher is my long distance relationship. Not the person, but the title of the relationship- long distance. 


If I could grab serenity in the air and pull it close to my mind and heart I would. I read through some old journals and one thing I noticed was my serenity- my disposition free from stress. Being really young was easy! 


I like the way my life works when I make my own schedule. Truth is, it never is just my schedule I am working around. So serenity runs from me in the moments where I am no longer in control.


I found this on the side of our fridge today, and in an old journal... Could not be more fitting!


"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage for the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." 


I guess I need both serenity and wisdom these days. 

Today I found a frog in my hair. It was really funny. 

Dancing Alone

I am home for the summer and not used to the life that I am living. My busy hectic schedule is no longer existent and it has left me feeling somewhat "life naked." I always want the opposite of what I am experiencing at the time- if I am busy, I want to relax. If I am always around people, I want alone time. If I am alone, I am lonely. If I am free, I wish I was busy.

I am free and no longer surrounded by five other friends in my home, and wishing I was busy and back in my home, with my busy schedule, with my best friends...but since I can't be. I've decided to use weeding 2000 dahlias as therapy. I've decided to use yard tools as my microphones. And to dance like a ridiculous person in the dirt, alone. I think I am more strange when I am alone, but isn't everybody?

My sister and I once had a conversation about all the weird things we did when we were alone... We were in tears from laughing so hard.

Today, I decided to smile randomly throughout my day... I felt really creepy... Kinda like the Joker from Dark Knight. 

Struggling Changes People

My sister Whitney and best friend are in Thailand on their first mission trip. I got to talk to them for the first time last night, and it was quite exciting to hear their voices. There have been so many times since they left, that I have wanted to text them something funny or random in my day, and I can't.

I heard they were miserable when they first got there, but they are doing MUCH better since I last talked to them. It was so great to hear Whitney speak like I used to speak about my experiences in India. It makes India feel so real and alive in my life once again. She is beginning to see the strength it takes to serve others and to let go of the daily things we dwell on. She sees the beauty in the small things, and understands what we take for granted.

Ahhh I miss that. It doesn't make me envious, but more than anything, it makes me miss India. I miss those struggles, and I miss those days when it seems like the only thing you can do is to break down and give it all to God. I miss the days when I have to search to find the beauty around me, and be thankful because I have SO much.

Although Whit is struggling, I am so glad she is. Because without mission trips that break us down and make us really miss home and certain types of foods and comfy beds and air conditioning, we become immune to how blessed we really are. And once we can take those moments to understand the great wealth around us, we can learn to be better people.