She Couldn't See the Bread that was Being Broken

I came home early today in tears.

When I tried to get into the right hand lane right after I exited the freeway, I couldn't. And that is when the tears really came. Today I cried, for the first time, in a really really long time.

I didn't cry because I couldn't get in the right hand lane. I cried, because it hurt to look over my shoulder to be aggressive enough to get in the right line.

Three days ago I woke up and my neck hurt. Not just a kink in the neck hurt, but REALLY hurt. My neck pain has gotten progressively worse and is now affecting the pain in my shoulders as well. I can't look in my blind spot anymore when I want to switch lanes. My time in the car, is sometimes the best part of my day, and the only thing that I feel in the car is pain. Today, when I got to class, all I could think about was how much pain I was in...I looked across the room and saw a girl who was moving her neck back and forth and tilting it to the left as she listened to the teacher, and I envied her! I wanted my neck to be able to move back and forth.

I am on all kinds of good meds right now, that put me to asleep and woke me up with minimal pain, but I still know the pain is there. Now, all I can think about it, is the fact that most the pain is gone, and I fear for when it will come back again.

My pain is not only ruining my life right now, but running it.

I take advantage of my mobility.

My neck is restraining me from enjoyment, and it is driving me crazy.

In worship, I saw a girl in the choir singing with her dog next to her. She is blind. I thought to myself, "I can't believe she can't even see the person standing next to her, or the dog that takes her from place to place, or the bread that is being broken for communion." I just stared at her, knowing she couldn't stare back.

I take advantage of my ability to see and enjoy the art that God has painted before me.

I might be in pain today and the next day. But today, I can see and walk.

Today, I can be thankful for my abilities that I do not deserve.

This is Where the Real Growing Begins

I have been in a dorm since I was fourteen until this year. I grew up in a big family, where there were always at least 10 people at my house. I am a social person, and I never wanted to be alone or had to be alone.

This year is different. Not only am I in a new location, going to a new school, but I am living in a home, where most of the time I am alone. I used to thrive on people's presence, I AM a people person.

Presently, I'm different.

I have spent more time alone this year, then I ever have in my life.

My friends aren't a door away. There aren't girls lined up on either side of me. I don't share a bathroom. I don't pay for laundry. I don't have someone telling me when I can leave and what time I have to be back.

There are many moments where no one knows where I am or what I am doing.

I used to think I had to be around people all the time, because that is what I have been used to. I adapted to my surroundings, my friends, my family, my dorm, the church.

Now, I am learning to adapt to myself.

I watch myself, study myself, observe my mannerisms, listen to the words that come flowing out of my mouth.

I see the things that really make me smile. I am growing.

It is not always easy. Sometimes it is scary or confusing or sad or frustrating. But I think it is important to really dig and dig and dig and keep digging until it is just me. raw me. No friends to hide behind, no fears to hold me back, no boys to think about, no school to stress about.

Just me. And when it is just me, it really isn't JUST me.

It's God and me, and that is where the REAL growing begins.

Being overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness isn't going to get anyone anywhere....

Switch It UP

I am home alone for the next few days, so I decided to switch things up.

I went to the grocery store last night (which is a rare occasion) and I got myself some expensive cereal and bananas (those were just two of the many things I got). When I went to bed last night, I imagined my great breakfast for this morning. This might sound silly, but when you eat the same thing everyday, one can get excited for something new.

I took a bath for the first time in I don't even know how long this morning. I played an awesome pandora station with tons of classy music, Madeleine Peyroux, just in case you were wondering...I lit candles, and relaxed.

Now, I am in my bed eating my cereal, bananas, and almond milk. Listening to classy music.

If you are looking for a good time, switch things up!

I am relaxed.

I'll take a little relaxation, excitement, and joy any day.

I saw a boy waiting for the school bus with his head phones in...

He was dancing.

Dancing, like you are the only person around, is one of the best feelings in the world.

Perfect Song for a Perfect Moment

I listen to Positive Life Radio everyday. I love it, for the most part anyway. There is always a certain place where I just cringe at how "cheesy" things can get. You know what part I am talking about? Yes, the part where people call in and say how PLR has affected their lives. I don't like it when people seem so superficial or sappy about God.

I disappointed myself. I try so hard to do things so right sometimes, that eventually I realize how wrong things are going in my life.

Guilt haunts me.

Sometimes I feel empty.

Yesterday, I was in my car, and PLR played "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North, it REALLY was a perfect song for a perfect moment. Now, I understand why all those people call in to share their positive experiences with their radio show.

Because, when the perfect song comes on in the perfect moment, you want to share your joy with someone else!

By Your Side Lyrics

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)ing

Let me lift up your face

Jx)

Just Myself

I am home for fall break. This is the first time I have been home since school started, and I am alone. My family is scattered all over the place tonight, and it just leaves me, at home, by myself, swimming in my own thoughts. I really haven't felt this alone in a long time. No one to talk to, no homework to bury myself in, just me. Sometimes I am scared to be alone. Because to be alone, means that I can't run away from myself. I am faced with the things outside of homework, social life, and activities. I am faced to look deep into my heart and mind and to dig up the things that make my heart ache.

I sat in the hot tub tonight, and listened to the rain.... I closed my eyes and told myself to stop thinking. It's hard, try it sometime. I made my body relax. Once relaxed I listened to the rain fall, and the rain reminded me of India. Oh, yes, India. Once again, India. Today, I listened to a song that reminded me of my time in India. Today, I opened my cupboard and saw basmati rice, and it reminded me of India. Today, I ate macaroni and it reminded me of how my Indian father called macaroni "macoli." Today, my heart was heavy, and since I am alone, I am faced with myself. Myself misses India oh so dearly.