This is Where the Real Growing Begins

I have been in a dorm since I was fourteen until this year. I grew up in a big family, where there were always at least 10 people at my house. I am a social person, and I never wanted to be alone or had to be alone.

This year is different. Not only am I in a new location, going to a new school, but I am living in a home, where most of the time I am alone. I used to thrive on people's presence, I AM a people person.

Presently, I'm different.

I have spent more time alone this year, then I ever have in my life.

My friends aren't a door away. There aren't girls lined up on either side of me. I don't share a bathroom. I don't pay for laundry. I don't have someone telling me when I can leave and what time I have to be back.

There are many moments where no one knows where I am or what I am doing.

I used to think I had to be around people all the time, because that is what I have been used to. I adapted to my surroundings, my friends, my family, my dorm, the church.

Now, I am learning to adapt to myself.

I watch myself, study myself, observe my mannerisms, listen to the words that come flowing out of my mouth.

I see the things that really make me smile. I am growing.

It is not always easy. Sometimes it is scary or confusing or sad or frustrating. But I think it is important to really dig and dig and dig and keep digging until it is just me. raw me. No friends to hide behind, no fears to hold me back, no boys to think about, no school to stress about.

Just me. And when it is just me, it really isn't JUST me.

It's God and me, and that is where the REAL growing begins.

Being overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness isn't going to get anyone anywhere....

Switch It UP

I am home alone for the next few days, so I decided to switch things up.

I went to the grocery store last night (which is a rare occasion) and I got myself some expensive cereal and bananas (those were just two of the many things I got). When I went to bed last night, I imagined my great breakfast for this morning. This might sound silly, but when you eat the same thing everyday, one can get excited for something new.

I took a bath for the first time in I don't even know how long this morning. I played an awesome pandora station with tons of classy music, Madeleine Peyroux, just in case you were wondering...I lit candles, and relaxed.

Now, I am in my bed eating my cereal, bananas, and almond milk. Listening to classy music.

If you are looking for a good time, switch things up!

I am relaxed.

I'll take a little relaxation, excitement, and joy any day.

I saw a boy waiting for the school bus with his head phones in...

He was dancing.

Dancing, like you are the only person around, is one of the best feelings in the world.

Perfect Song for a Perfect Moment

I listen to Positive Life Radio everyday. I love it, for the most part anyway. There is always a certain place where I just cringe at how "cheesy" things can get. You know what part I am talking about? Yes, the part where people call in and say how PLR has affected their lives. I don't like it when people seem so superficial or sappy about God.

I disappointed myself. I try so hard to do things so right sometimes, that eventually I realize how wrong things are going in my life.

Guilt haunts me.

Sometimes I feel empty.

Yesterday, I was in my car, and PLR played "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North, it REALLY was a perfect song for a perfect moment. Now, I understand why all those people call in to share their positive experiences with their radio show.

Because, when the perfect song comes on in the perfect moment, you want to share your joy with someone else!

By Your Side Lyrics

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)ing

Let me lift up your face

Jx)

Just Myself

I am home for fall break. This is the first time I have been home since school started, and I am alone. My family is scattered all over the place tonight, and it just leaves me, at home, by myself, swimming in my own thoughts. I really haven't felt this alone in a long time. No one to talk to, no homework to bury myself in, just me. Sometimes I am scared to be alone. Because to be alone, means that I can't run away from myself. I am faced with the things outside of homework, social life, and activities. I am faced to look deep into my heart and mind and to dig up the things that make my heart ache.

I sat in the hot tub tonight, and listened to the rain.... I closed my eyes and told myself to stop thinking. It's hard, try it sometime. I made my body relax. Once relaxed I listened to the rain fall, and the rain reminded me of India. Oh, yes, India. Once again, India. Today, I listened to a song that reminded me of my time in India. Today, I opened my cupboard and saw basmati rice, and it reminded me of India. Today, I ate macaroni and it reminded me of how my Indian father called macaroni "macoli." Today, my heart was heavy, and since I am alone, I am faced with myself. Myself misses India oh so dearly.

Silence

I am going going going. This week, all I did was GO. No stopping, no relaxing, no fun.

Now, my week is over, and I can finally stop.

This morning, I opened my door, getting ready to rush to my car to avoid the cold.

As I took my first few steps, I noticed it wasn't actually that cold.

No, it was pleasant.

I stopped.

Stood on my deck.

And looked out, really looked out. Since we moved, I haven't even noticed what a pretty area I live in.

The temperature was pleasing to warm body, it told me to stop, and see.

My mesmerized eyes told my body to relax, my relaxed body told me to breathe the fresh air that is freely given to me everyday.

My body and my eyes told me to listen.

Listen to the silence that God has given me.

Today, I was blessed by this short moment of stopping.

I get busy, we get busy, and even when we aren't busy we forget that it is OK to stop.

Listen to your body.

Listen to the silence we are blessed with.