Waiting, Almost Impatiently

I LOVE to travel. If there was another word that could explain my passion for seeing the world, I would use it. Obsessed? In LOVE? Whatever best explains this deep desire flowing through my veins, that's it. That's the word.

Most people I know feel the same way about traveling. I mean who doesn't love to travel? It's the greatest feeling being placed in a foreign environment where you learn new things, see and experience a whole new way of life, and most of all.... Meet people that change your life. Forever.

I made a decision to go to France this year. To live in France! OOOH how wonderful does that sound? A dream? I think so!

Before I made the decision to go to France, I made the decision to go to Whitworth. Once I decided on France, Whitworth was out the window. That is how I work. I jump around like I have my head cut off until I feel pleased with my decisions. Sometimes I jump from one thing to the next, one emotion to the next, one decision to the next, hoping that one day I will get it all right. In hope that one day I will reach ultimate contentment. You can guess where that gets me...

No where near ultimate contentment.

In June I made the rash decision to go to France. I thought it sounded like the best idea yet! Traveling a whole 9 months! Learning another language! Learning more about life and myself! That is what I need most..To learn about life and myself.

When I was in India, the best part was that I knew what I was doing was so so so RIGHT. That where I was, was exactly where I should be. Where God wanted me to be.

Ever since I have been home, not having that feeling, makes me feel like I am running around with my head cut off.

I made the decision to go to France all by myself. I can't do life all by myself, and once I realized that, I realized it was time to pray.

I began to pray a couple of weeks ago to make sure that I was supposed to go to France. I was putting it off for so long, because I was afraid that I would get an answer I didn't want. Because deep down I knew that I was probably not supposed to go.

The first decision I made NOT all by myself was to go to India. BEST decision I have ever made or should I say we ( God and me)? That is where I learned that ultimate contentment does in fact, exist.

After I started praying for guidance and answers, I got my acceptance letter to Whitworth.

DECISIONS! I am terrible at decisions...Now, I am left with two great options. UGH!

When I decided to go to France, the thought of going away seemed so great. But, that is just it...I am going away. Going away from what? Fears, decisions, growing up? I'm not sure exactly which one. I'm starting to question why I even wanted to go in the first place. I am starting to seem a little selfish...

I can't just do things because they are fun, I wish I could but I just can't.

So now I am here, waiting for an answer. Scared, that I might make the wrong decision...So what is going to be Hillary, Whitworth or France?

All this thinking and praying, has left me in a place of stress and worry.

I watched this today and sincerely laughed. I just love this video. It made me feel better.

On Top

I went backpacking on Friday and Saturday.

Hiking at fast speeds up a mountain with a backpack on might not be the best feeling physically, but the moment I saw that special place where I could call home for next 24 hours, reminded me of why I put my body through this.

Ah yes.... The top.

The view. The air. The clear, fresh lake. The height. The nature.

The best part?...Knowing that at the bottom of the mountain are worries, deadlines, stresses, struggles, and work.

But right now, I am on the top. On the top enjoying God's gift to man. Leaving everything else behind.

Find Her Everyday

It was just 6 months ago when I was not just Hillary.

I was India Hillary.

Not a day goes by where the sweet moments of that captivating country don't occupy my mind.

I will always remember that special place.

I do not always remember India Hillary.

I want to find her everyday.

I want to remember her everyday.

When I am not India Hillary. I am not completely myself.

Not completely who I should be. Want to be.

Oh sweet India, how I do miss you. When we were so close, life seemed perfect. Thank you for taking me away from my reality to show me true reality.

As Long As

I don't care what I do, where I go, who I become, as long as it's right. As long as I know that exactly what I am doing, where I am, and who I am becoming is what God wants for me.

Whole

Jenny and I walk a hill everyday. Every time we get to the top I want to turn around, but she makes me keep going.

Whitney Kayaked miles with me today. She tipped over and laughed.

Alexis lets me borrow anything. She also took the picture of the dandelion. Pretty neat huh?

My sisters make me whole. Period.

Everyday I look at the sky, take a deep breath, and thank God for revealing himself to me through his majestic work of art. Blue, gray, cloudy, starry, dark, bright, clear. No matter what the sky is dressed in, I see God. I see God creating it. I see God enjoying it. The sky makes me smile. The sky gives me faith.

"Atheist."

"Agnostic."

"How can God let so many people suffer?"

- Words and phrases I have been hearing too often.

I am not sure what to think or feel, but I think about it a lot and I feel for those struggling. Hard questions and hard decisions. I wish there was something I could say or do that could make people confident and happy in what they believe. I wish I could answer the questions of those suffering. I don't know why it is so easy for me to have faith and others to not. Sometimes I wonder why I have faith and someone else doesn't? Unfair.

For me, it's as easy as the sky.

My mom is generous.